You Worry Too Much

Life was moving much too quickly for Tom Hartman. Brooding over a cup of coffee at the Schuyler Square Café, he thought over all the changes that were happening around him. First, he discovered that he had a daughter that he’d known nothing about and he’d spent the past year or so trying to hammer out a relationship with her. Now that daughter, his little Tiffany, was graduating from high school and then getting married to a weasel who wouldn’t know what honest work was if it jumped up and bit him in the butt. But before the wedding could take place, Tom was going to have to have a blood test along with Vlad, his ex-wife’s former lover, to find out just who really was Tiffany’s father.

Not that it really mattered to Tom. Even if it turned out that Vlad was Tiffany’s biological father, Tom knew that he was always going to feel like he was her true dad. Over the past year he’d come to love the girl and he planned on being there for her for the rest of his life. If Tiffany insisted on marrying that no-goodnick loser Rex, Tom would stand by her. He’d pay for her wedding, give her Kleenex when the marriage broke up and give her a place to stay when the inevitable divorce happened.

“Hello, Daddy.” Tiffany sashayed into coffee shop, tugging up her jeans as she moved.

“Good grief, Tiffany, what’s happened to you?” Tom stared at his daughter. His formerly pudgy little girl had turned into a string bean seemingly overnight. “I knew you were dieting but you look positively starved.”

Sitting down across from him, Tiffany laughed. “I’m hardly starving,” she assured him. “As a matter of fact, I’m going to order some lunch, if you don’t mind. I haven’t eaten for at least an hour.”

“Of course I don’t mind. Order anything you want.”

A waitress came to the table and Tiffany ordered a double cheeseburger with bacon, extra large fries and a chicken burrito. “See?” she said after ordering. “I’m not dieting.”

“Then how are you losing so much weight?”

Tiffany shrugged. “I guess my metabolism has moved into high gear. You worry too much. Don't--everything's fine. Have you talked to Vlad?”

“Yes. He’s getting his blood test today.”

“How about you? When are you getting yours?”

“I had it this morning.”

“Great! Then once we straighten out the who’s my dad question, I can marry Rex!”

“Honey, are you sure you want to go through with the wedding? I don’t see why you’re in such a hurry to marry him.”

“Well, to tell you the truth it’s really more about him being in a rush to marry me,” Tiffany confided. “I wouldn’t care if we just lived together.”

“I wish you would just live together,” Tom said frankly, “although I’d much rather that you go to college, get a degree and find a career that you like.”

“Why would I want to do that?” Tiffany asked. “I don’t want to work. Rex and I have other plans.”

“You mentioned that you’ll be coming into more money soon. What was that all about?”

Tiffany looked uncomfortable. “Nothing. We’re doing a little investing.”

“With the money your mother left you?”

“Sort of.”

“Tiffany, you aren’t doing anything illegal, are you?”

“No!” Tiffany said much too quickly. “Why do you always think the worst of me? Don’t you trust me?” She suddenly pressed her hand to her forehead. “I have a headache. See? You’re upsetting me. Stop it.”

“I care about you, baby. I’m not trying to upset you. I’m trying to help you.” The waitress set a plate of food down in front of Tiffany and Tom watched in amazement as his daughter inhaled everything on the plate. There was no way that she could be consuming so many calories and still losing weight. Something weird was going on and Tom planned on finding out just what it was. Tom knew what he had to do. He was going to have to talk to that lamebrain Rex and get him to spill the beans both over why Rex was so anxious to marry Tiffany and how the two of them were going to get rich.

As he watched Tiffany scrape her plate clean, Tom knew that he was going to have to find out what was going on as soon as possible. Whatever was happening, he was sure that he didn't like it.

Long Term Side Effects

"Now Fritz, think hard," Mindy instructed. "What kind of side effects does Fat Off have other than making whoever smells it lose weight?"

"None," Fritz replied instantly. "My genius invention has no side effects other than weight loss. That is what makes it so genius."

"How can you be so sure about that? Did Kutrate Kemicals do extensive testing that proved there are no long term side effects?"

"Sure," Fritz nodded. "Bernard Morton handled all that. I don't worry about the details. I'm like Einstein. It is much better that I spend my time thinking instead of obsessing over the little things."

Man, oh man. Fritz had obviously never seen one of those commercials where the huge law firm was going after the makers of any number of pharmaceuticals for "little things" like side effects. "And what did Bernard tell you?"

"He said that Fat Off is completely safe. He had it tested for three months and there were no problems. It is perfectly fine."

Three months didn't seem like a very long time to wait for side effects to pop up. Then again, Bernard had been in the chemical business for a lot longer than Mindy had so it was possible that he knew what he was doing. Possible but not probably. Mindy was sure that when it came to ethics, her boss didn't know the meaning of the word. "What happens when a person stops using Fat Off? Will they regain all the weight they've lost?"

"That is hardly my problem," Fritz sniffed. "The whole point of Fat Off is to lose weight. Keeping it off is up to the fatty who ate too many snickerdoodles in the first place."

"Do you actually know of anyone who has used Fat Off and lost weight?"

"Not personally but there were several test subjects in that women's prison upstate. Why are you asking me all these questions, Mindy? Do you want to try some Fat Off? No offense, but your thighs are looking a touch ponderous these days."

Mindy's thighs had been called many things but ponderous had never been one of them, "Yes," she said recklessly, "I would like to try it."

Fritz pulled a plain white aerosol can out of a drawer and gave it to her. "Now remember, it smells pretty bad. The next batch we're making has a much more pleasant scent but this one will remind you of horse stalls that need to be cleaned out or possibly sewers that are overflowing but it should take care of that thigh problem you have. A few days and you'll be a whole new woman." He chuckled. "Or perhaps I should say that there will be a lot less of the current woman." He lowered his voice. "And cut down on the wine. It's obviously going straight to your lower body."

"Thanks," Mindy said, slipping the can into her purse. "I'll see you later."

Leaving Fritz's lab, Mindy decided she had two choices: she could give the new can of Fat Off to Tiffany and enable the ditzy teenager to continue down the train wreck road she was on to total oblivion or she could keep it for herself and get rid of her thighs that were obviously offending everyone who had the misfortune to look at them.

Or I could get in my car and drive as far away from Schuyler Square as I can possibly go.

That option seemed like the best one of all.

The Easiest Diet in the World

Something was up and Tiffany planned on finding out just what that something was. Walking through the front door of her aunt's house, Tiffany called out loudly, "Hello! Aunt Mavis? Are you home?" Silence.

"Where is she?" Rex asked from behind her.

"I told you she'd be out. She just about lives at the Schuyler Square Country Club. She must be over there swilling her usual three martini dinner."

Rex stopped and looked around the enormous front hallway, his eyes growing bigger as he took in the marble floor, the enormous chandelier, the curved stairway. "Wow. This looks like something out of the Beverly Hillbillies. It's really nice."

Tiffany shrugged. "It's OK. I hated living here though. Aunt Mavis is a pain in the butt."

"Who cares if you get to live here?"

"Oh, believe me, you'd care after awhile. She's all about image and she was always on me about losing weight."

"Why?" Rex asked. "You look great to me."

Tiffany smiled at him. Rex might not have graduated from high school but he really was a great boyfriend. "Well, I wouldn't mind dropping a few pounds. Now come on, let's look in her desk. She keeps everything important in there."

Tiffany led Rex through the pink and gold living room and into the library where her aunt had a large walnut desk and immediately began rifling through the drawers. Rex eyed her nervously. "What if your aunt comes home? Won't she be mad to find us here?"

"She'll kill both of us," Tiffany told him, "but don't worry; she's not coming home anytime soon. She never gets home from the country club before midnight. We're safe--well, hello! What's this?" Tiffany pulled out an envelope marked FAT OFF.

"What is it?" Rex asked, peering over her shoulder.

"I don't know. Why would Aunt Mavis have anything called Fat Off? She doesn't have an ounce of fat on her entire body--except between her ears." Tiffany peeked inside the envelope and frowned.

"What is it?" Rex asked again.

"It's a letter Aunt Mavis wrote about some product that Kutrate Kemical is making called Fat Off. It sounds like it's some kind of spray that you use and it makes you lose weight." Tiffany lifted her eyes and looked at Rex. "Aunt Mavis seems to know about a spray people can use that can make them lose weight--I can't believe it. It sounds like it would be the easiest diet in the world. Do you have any conception of what that means?"

"That there will be a lot of skinny people around if it works?"

"It means that Aunt Mavis is investing in it and it means that we can invest in it too and that neither of us will ever have to work a single day in our lives! We're talking zillions!" Tiffany stopped before adding coyly, "I mean, if we're still together that is."

In less than a second, Rex had dropped onto one knee. "Tiffany," he said in the most sincere voice she had ever heard in all of her seventeen years, "will you marry me?"

"What the hell is going on here?" a voice asked from the doorway. Tiffany and Rex swirled their heads and saw Tiffany's cousin Brad standing ten feet away from them

Schuyler Square Day 87 Tiffany Loses Weight and Gains a Father

Tiffany was feeling mighty pleased with herself. After almost surviving on a Spartan 1,200 calorie diet for a month, she'd lost seventeen pounds and felt better about herself and the world than she had in a long time. It was amazing to her that by actually doing what all the doctors and gym teachers and other irritating adults in her life had been telling her for years--eat less and exercise more--that the weight really came off. It was awesome!

Standing in her bedroom at her aunt's house, Tiffany pulled on a new pair of blue jeans and was so happy when she was able to zip them up that she almost began to cry. She was going to go back to school in the fall as a brand new, thin, totally attractive person.

"Tiffany, we need to talk." Aunt Mavis barged into her room without knocking, as usual.

"About what?" Tiffany asked. She hadn't mentioned the seventeen pounds she'd lost to her aunt. She was waiting for Aunt Mavis to notice but she was starting to get the feeling that that might be like waiting for an elephant to notice a mosquito.

"We've never really had a discussion about your father, have we?"

"My what?" Tiffany asked. "My father? Why would you want to talk about him? You told me that he was in prison."

Aunt Mavis blushed a little. "I might have exaggerated a touch. What I meant was that he might as well be in prison--he's really not what you would call a success. He's, well, I suppose you could say he's middle management."

"Horrors!" Tiffany said sarcastically. "Next you'll be telling me that he's a Democrat."

"Probably," Aunt Mavis sighed. "Look, Tiffany, it's like this. He lives in Schuyler Square and he wants to see you."

Tiffany sat down on her canopy bed with a profound plop. She felt like Aunt Mavis had just come into her bedroom and dumped a load of rocks on top of her. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because I think you should know him. It's the right thing to do."

Tiffany doubted that. Aunt Mavis rarely did anything because it was the right thing to do. "Am I supposed to go and live with him? Is that why you're suddenly planning a little introduction party?"

"Well, he is your father, Tiffany, and I'm only your aunt."

Tiffany was surprised at how hurt she felt by this latest display of rejection from Aunt Mavis. It was never like her aunt had been a warm and fuzzy type of person but Tiffany had always felt that she at least was a little bit welcome at Schuyler Manor. Not so much anymore. "When are we supposed to get together?"

"Tomorrow night. You're meeting at the club for dinner."

"Thanks for the warning!"

"Oh, Tiffany, don't be puerile. Don't you want to meet your own father?"

Tiffany saw that she really didn't have much of a choice. "I suppose so." Maybe her real dad looked like Harrison Ford and would be nice to her. Maybe he'd treat her better than Aunt Mavis was treating her.

"That's a good girl. And Tiffany, please don't talk about your mother too much. It might upset him."

"What am I supposed to talk about with him?"

Aunt Mavis shrugged as she swept out of the bedroom. "The weather is always a pleasant choice."

Tiffany sat in stunned silence after Aunt Mavis left. Her father? How the heck was she supposed to deal with this new development?