There is Something Seriously Wrong With Mom

"There is something seriously wrong with Mom," Tyler Schuyler told his older brother Brad. The two brothers were seated in the library at Schuyler Manor, watching television and being as unproductive as possible, two activities they both excelled at.

"What are you talking about? She's just the same as she always is," Brad said in a bored voice as he channel surfed. "How come no one shows reruns of 'The Dukes of Hazzard' when I can watch them? They always put them on when I'm not home."

"She is not the same as she always is," Tyler argued. "She's acting weird."

"She's always weird."

"Well, she's weirder. Have you looked at her lately?"

"Not really."

"You should. She's dressing like she's Tiffany's age in tight shirts and skirts that are way too short and her hair's all strange and straight and she told me yesterday that she's thinking about getting a tattoo."

"No kidding! Mom, a tattoo? Of what?"

"Of Cher."

"Why the hell would she get a tattoo of Cher?"

"Because she's decided that she looks like Cher and that if she has a tattoo of Cher on her shoulder, people will comment on the resemblance between the two of them."

Brad laughed. "You're right; that is weird even for Mom. Well, so what? She's entitled to have a little fun at her age."

"And then there's this." Tyler pulled a book out from under the sofa where he'd hidden it earlier that day. "I found it on her nightstand." Waving it it under Brad's nose, he asked, "Why would she be reading this?"

"If you'd stop waving it back and forth maybe I could read the title," Brad said. "What is it?"

"Cougar Lifestyles for Dummies," Tyler said. "Don't you see what's happening right under our noses? Mom is turning into a cougar!"

"Mom? Don't be ridiculous. Mom has way too much class too do anything like that. She'd never become a cougar--she'd look like an idiot if she showed up at the country club with a younger guy."

"Remember that police officer she moved in here last year?" Tyler questioned. "He was younger than Mom."

"That was just some strange pre-menopausal fling," Brad told him.

"Then what about this?" Tyler reached under the sofa again and pulled out his mother's cell phone. "Mom been texting some guy named Chuck. Or should I say she's been sexting him. Some of her messages are pretty embarrassing."

"You stole Mom's cell phone and read her texts? I think you're the one with the problem, Tyler. Ever since you broke up with Mindy, you've gotten definitely strange. What do you care who Mom dates or doesn't date? You need to get out more."

Tyler played his best card. "I'm just thinking about our inheritance," he said darkly. "If Mom did get remarried, her new husband might go through all the money that we're supposed to inherit especially if he's a lot younger than she is and outlives her."

"No one could go through that much money," Brad argued.

"They could try."

At last he had his brother's full attention. "So what can we do about it?" Brad questioned.

"Simple," Tyler replied,. "We have to find a suitable date for our mother ourselves. And I know exactly just the right guy--that is, unless you want Mom to get Cher on one shoulder and Sonny on the other."

"Of course I don't! Let's get started. After all, we're only thinking of Mom."

"Naturally," Tyler agreed.

The Easiest Diet in the World

Something was up and Tiffany planned on finding out just what that something was. Walking through the front door of her aunt's house, Tiffany called out loudly, "Hello! Aunt Mavis? Are you home?" Silence.

"Where is she?" Rex asked from behind her.

"I told you she'd be out. She just about lives at the Schuyler Square Country Club. She must be over there swilling her usual three martini dinner."

Rex stopped and looked around the enormous front hallway, his eyes growing bigger as he took in the marble floor, the enormous chandelier, the curved stairway. "Wow. This looks like something out of the Beverly Hillbillies. It's really nice."

Tiffany shrugged. "It's OK. I hated living here though. Aunt Mavis is a pain in the butt."

"Who cares if you get to live here?"

"Oh, believe me, you'd care after awhile. She's all about image and she was always on me about losing weight."

"Why?" Rex asked. "You look great to me."

Tiffany smiled at him. Rex might not have graduated from high school but he really was a great boyfriend. "Well, I wouldn't mind dropping a few pounds. Now come on, let's look in her desk. She keeps everything important in there."

Tiffany led Rex through the pink and gold living room and into the library where her aunt had a large walnut desk and immediately began rifling through the drawers. Rex eyed her nervously. "What if your aunt comes home? Won't she be mad to find us here?"

"She'll kill both of us," Tiffany told him, "but don't worry; she's not coming home anytime soon. She never gets home from the country club before midnight. We're safe--well, hello! What's this?" Tiffany pulled out an envelope marked FAT OFF.

"What is it?" Rex asked, peering over her shoulder.

"I don't know. Why would Aunt Mavis have anything called Fat Off? She doesn't have an ounce of fat on her entire body--except between her ears." Tiffany peeked inside the envelope and frowned.

"What is it?" Rex asked again.

"It's a letter Aunt Mavis wrote about some product that Kutrate Kemical is making called Fat Off. It sounds like it's some kind of spray that you use and it makes you lose weight." Tiffany lifted her eyes and looked at Rex. "Aunt Mavis seems to know about a spray people can use that can make them lose weight--I can't believe it. It sounds like it would be the easiest diet in the world. Do you have any conception of what that means?"

"That there will be a lot of skinny people around if it works?"

"It means that Aunt Mavis is investing in it and it means that we can invest in it too and that neither of us will ever have to work a single day in our lives! We're talking zillions!" Tiffany stopped before adding coyly, "I mean, if we're still together that is."

In less than a second, Rex had dropped onto one knee. "Tiffany," he said in the most sincere voice she had ever heard in all of her seventeen years, "will you marry me?"

"What the hell is going on here?" a voice asked from the doorway. Tiffany and Rex swirled their heads and saw Tiffany's cousin Brad standing ten feet away from them

Incognito in Joliet

Tiffany could hardly believe what she was seeing. There, right in front of her, was her dorky cousin Tyler but instead of the usual clothes he always wore—expensive stuff that looked like it was straight out of a 1960s movie on psychopaths attending prep schools—Tyler had on dirty jeans, a grey sweatshirt covered with paint splotches, a red bandana tied around his forehead and…this was the real shocker…he appeared to be sweating.

“Tyler, is that you?” Tiffany asked. They were at The Caffeine Fix, her favorite coffee shop and the only place in all of Schuyler Square that sold extra extra large lattes. “What’s the matter with you? You look terrible!”

“Oh, hello, Tiffany,” Tyler said, looking around as if he half expected to be arrested. “Could you please keep your voice down? They can probably hear you in Joliet.”

“Why should I keep my voice down?” Tiffany asked, speaking a little more softly. “Are you hiding from someone?”

“I’m traveling incognito,” Tyler replied.

“You’re traveling where?”

“Not where, you idiot. Incognito. It means in a disguise. Don’t you ever listen in school?”

“Not unless I absolutely have to. Why are you in a disguise? And why are you all sweaty? It’s really disgusting.”

Tyler looked at her smugly. “Working hard is not disgusting. As a matter of fact, I kind of like it.”

“Your mother would die if she ever heard you say that! Are you telling me that you have a real job somewhere? Who would hire you if they weren’t related to you?”

“Kutrate Kemicals would. I’m working in the factory.” Tyler smiled proudly.

Tiffany started to laugh. “What happened, did you lose a bet or something? Did Aunt Mavis disinherit you?”

“Of course not. I simply decided that the time had come for me to make something of myself.”

“Right. And Lindsey Lohan wants to be my new best friend. Come on, Tyler, what are you up to?”

“Not a thing. I just realized that I needed a change in venue. That means a change in scenery. Say—speaking of changes in scenery, what’s with that Vlad guy?”

Instantly, Tiffany froze. “What about him?”

“Well, I think Mother is interested in him. Isn’t he your real father?”

“We don’t know that for sure.” Honestly, Tyler had all the tact of a bull in a china shop. “Besides, what do you care? Aunt Mavis is going to date whomever she wants to. We all know that after her last fiasco with that married police guy.”

“Would you mind finding out if Vlad’s your real dad? I think there might be something wrong with Mother dating if her niece is related to him.”

“Oh, Tyler, you’re such a jerk! How could that possibly matter to Aunt Mavis?”

Tyler rolled his eyes. “Because if Vlad is your dad, dummy, that means he was your mom’s lover. I can hardly think that Mother would want to date her own sister’s ex-boyfriend.”

Grabbing her extra extra large latte, Tiffany walked away from her cousin, not bothering to answer. Tyler might be older than she was but he sure wasn’t any smarter. Didn’t he realize that Aunt Mavis would date anyone as long as they were warm and breathing?