All I Can Think About is Food

In Schuyler Square, 18-year-old Tiffany has been battling a weight problem for as long as she can remember. Find a can of Fat Off, a diet aid that helped her lose an amazing 50 pounds, did wonders for Tiffany’s self-esteem but ruined her metabolism. Now Tiffany is trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle while simultaneously planning to marry her boyfriend Rex and figure out a way to blackmail her wealthy aunt into letting Tiffany have unlimited access to her trust fund…

“I’m so hungry! This is awful. All I can think about is food.”

Rex rubbed the back of Tiffany’s neck sympathetically. “So eat something! I don’t care if you aren’t skinny.”

“Are you saying I’m fat again?”

“No, I’m saying that I don’t care what you look like. I don’t care if you wear size zero jeans or size twenty. I love you, Tiffany. Don’t you know that?”

Tiffany wished that she could believe Rex. Part of her did believe Rex since he was always super nice to her and also the only boyfriend that she’d ever had. But another part of her, the insecure part who grew up hearing how people were only nice to anyone in the Schuyler family because of all the money the family had, wasn’t quite so trusting. “I don’t know,” she said grumpily. Ever since those dumb doctors had made her stop using Fat Off, Tiffany had been in a bad mood. “Prove it.”

Rex laughed. “How can I prove it? Don’t I do everything for you? Didn’t I ask you to marry me? Don’t I tell you every single day how crazy I am about you?”

“You asked me to marry  you but we aren’t married yet,” Tiffany pointed out.

“That’s because you don’t want to elope. Let’s leave right now, fly to Vegas and get married. The only person stopping us is you, Tif.”

Rex had a point but Tiffany didn’t want to elope. She wanted a big wedding with lots of bridesmaids and a huge reception at the Schuyler Square Country Club. “I don’t know,” she said. “I can’t think straight. All I can think about is pasta and burgers and pizza. This is awful. When I used Fat Off, I could eat a million calories a day and still lose weight. Now I look at a French fry and gain five pounds. It sucks.”

Rex changed the subject. “Hey, your aunt invited me over for lunch. Why don’t you come too?”

“I’m sure Aunt Mavis wouldn’t want me along. She probably wants to know how far you’ve gotten on breaking up Brad and Claudine. How is that going?”

“Not too well,” Rex admitted. “Claudine really has her claws into Brad and she’s made it pretty clear that she’s not interested in me.”

“Hmmm…maybe we should try telling Brad what Aunt Mavis is up to. He could lean on her to give me access to my trust fund.”

“That’s a thought,” Rex agreed. The ringing of the telephone interrupted them. Rex picked it up. “Hello? Oh, hi. What? Are you serious? Okay, I’ll tell Tiffany.” Hanging up, he raised his eyebrows. “It looks like my lunch date is off, Tiffany. Want to go to Burger King instead?”

“Why? What happened?”

“That was Brad. It seems that your aunt has been asked to go down to the police station.”

“Why? What did she do?”

“They want to question her about the murder of that chemist. Fritz Whatever. It seems Aunt Mavis was the last person to see him alive.”

Being Skinny Isn't Everything

"Just what kind of diet has Tiffany been on?" Vlad's face was pinched and white as he waited in the Schuyler Square emergency room. "She's gotten so thin! When I first met her, she looked like a normal, healthy teenage girl. Now she looks like a skeleton."

"I don't know what kind of diet she's been on," Tom Hartman said. "I knew that she wanted to lose weight but she didn't share any of the details with me."

"But you thought that you were her father! Why didn't you ask what she was up to when you saw how skinny she was getting? You failed her!"

"I failed her? I was doing my best to raise her because I thought she was my daughter while you were doing what? Hanging around Mavis and drinking martinis?"

"Hey, guys, this isn't getting us anywhere," Rex interrupted. "I can tell you what kind of diet Tiffany was on. She was using that Fat Off spray that she stole from her aunt."

Vlad and Tom turned together and stared at Rex. "What kind of spray?" Vlad demanded.

"It's called Fat Off and it's made by Kutrate Kemicals. I don't know what's in it but it stinks to high heaven. Like a dead skunk that's been out in the sun for days. Tiffany didn't care what it smelled like because it worked. A couple of squirts, some deep breaths and the weight peeled off. Best of all, she didn't have to stop eating stuff like pizza and fries. Tiffany thought it was the greatest invention since the wheel." Tears welled in Rex's eyes. "Now it looks like that junk is going to kill her."

"She isn't going to die," Tom said quickly. "The doctors are going to help her."

Rex sniffed. "Do you think she'll get fat again?"

"What does that matter?" Vlad snapped. "Being healthy is much more important than being skinny.

Rex cradled his head in his hands. "Oh, man, this is all my fault. I should have told her to knock it off but I didn't because she looked so hot. If she dies..."

"She is NOT going to die!" Vlad said loudly. "If you can't control yourself, young man, then perhaps you should leave. We'll call you when we find out what's wrong with Tiffany."

"I know what's wrong. Fat Off is poison and I don't care if we would have made a zillion bucks off of it. It isn't worth it!"

"How could the two of you make any money off something like Fat Off?" Tom asked. "What were you planning?"

"Well, not much," Rex admitted. "We thought about selling the formula to another chemical company but we never got around to it. We've been pretty busy, you know, with prom and everything. But then Tiffany figured her aunt was going to somehow make money off of Fat Off so we thought maybe we could blackmail her for some money. Then Tiffany decided to invest everything she inherited from her mom into Kutrate Kemicals so that's what we did. It's always best to be honest," Rex added in a virtuous tone that sounded like a foreign language coming out of his mouth.

A doctor entered the waiting area. "Are you Tiffany Schuyler's family?" he questioned.

"Yes, how is she?"

The doctor looked grim. "Not very well, I'm afraid. As a matter of fact, Tiffany is a very sick young woman."

Long Term Side Effects

"Now Fritz, think hard," Mindy instructed. "What kind of side effects does Fat Off have other than making whoever smells it lose weight?"

"None," Fritz replied instantly. "My genius invention has no side effects other than weight loss. That is what makes it so genius."

"How can you be so sure about that? Did Kutrate Kemicals do extensive testing that proved there are no long term side effects?"

"Sure," Fritz nodded. "Bernard Morton handled all that. I don't worry about the details. I'm like Einstein. It is much better that I spend my time thinking instead of obsessing over the little things."

Man, oh man. Fritz had obviously never seen one of those commercials where the huge law firm was going after the makers of any number of pharmaceuticals for "little things" like side effects. "And what did Bernard tell you?"

"He said that Fat Off is completely safe. He had it tested for three months and there were no problems. It is perfectly fine."

Three months didn't seem like a very long time to wait for side effects to pop up. Then again, Bernard had been in the chemical business for a lot longer than Mindy had so it was possible that he knew what he was doing. Possible but not probably. Mindy was sure that when it came to ethics, her boss didn't know the meaning of the word. "What happens when a person stops using Fat Off? Will they regain all the weight they've lost?"

"That is hardly my problem," Fritz sniffed. "The whole point of Fat Off is to lose weight. Keeping it off is up to the fatty who ate too many snickerdoodles in the first place."

"Do you actually know of anyone who has used Fat Off and lost weight?"

"Not personally but there were several test subjects in that women's prison upstate. Why are you asking me all these questions, Mindy? Do you want to try some Fat Off? No offense, but your thighs are looking a touch ponderous these days."

Mindy's thighs had been called many things but ponderous had never been one of them, "Yes," she said recklessly, "I would like to try it."

Fritz pulled a plain white aerosol can out of a drawer and gave it to her. "Now remember, it smells pretty bad. The next batch we're making has a much more pleasant scent but this one will remind you of horse stalls that need to be cleaned out or possibly sewers that are overflowing but it should take care of that thigh problem you have. A few days and you'll be a whole new woman." He chuckled. "Or perhaps I should say that there will be a lot less of the current woman." He lowered his voice. "And cut down on the wine. It's obviously going straight to your lower body."

"Thanks," Mindy said, slipping the can into her purse. "I'll see you later."

Leaving Fritz's lab, Mindy decided she had two choices: she could give the new can of Fat Off to Tiffany and enable the ditzy teenager to continue down the train wreck road she was on to total oblivion or she could keep it for herself and get rid of her thighs that were obviously offending everyone who had the misfortune to look at them.

Or I could get in my car and drive as far away from Schuyler Square as I can possibly go.

That option seemed like the best one of all.

A Freaking Size 4

"Size 4! I'm wearing a freaking size 4! Can you believe it?" Tiffany reached for the surprised saleslady at The Deb Shoppe and squeezed her as hard as she could, which wasn't all that hard. A few months ago she could have serious damage to the older woman but ever since she'd started using Fat Off, she seemed to be losing energy and strength along with the extra blubber around her waist.

"You look adorable," the clerk assured her. "You have a stunning figure, young lady."

"Thank you," Tiffany replied, her eyes glued to the full-length mirror. She did have a stunning figure and it was showed off to perfection in the skin tight dress poison green dress that she'd be wearing to the Schuyler Square High School prom. Maybe she'd wear the same dress when she married Rex. It wasn't traditional and she was sure that it would give her aunt a coronary but so what? She was the bride, not Aunt Mavis. "I'll take it," she told the clerk.

Tiffany slipped out of the dress and pulled on her clothes. They were too loose, just like everything else she owned. She'd have to do some more shopping. A wave of dizziness hit her and Tiffany sat down, putting her hand to her head. Time for lunch. Her blood sugar must be low.

After paying for the dress, Tiffany headed for the food court where she bought three double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries and an extra large vanilla shake. She was about to bite into the first burger when a shadow fell over her table. "Hello, Tiffany."

Tiffany looked up and saw Mindy Cooper standing next to her table. "What do you want?" Tiffany asked through a mouthful of meat and cheese.

"I want to help you," Mindy replied. "Do you mind if I sit down?"

"Do I have a choice?" Tiffany polished off her first cheeseburger and picked up the second.

"Tiffany, I spoke with the chemist who made Fat Off. You need to stop using it immediately."

"Yeah, right," Tiffany said, popping a wad of fries into her mouth.

"I'm not kidding. He thinks it's probably safe but probably really isn't good enough when you're talking about your health."

Tiffany glared across the table at Mindy. "What do you care? It's really none of your business."

"Maybe not but since I work for Kutrate Kemicals, I feel obligated to warn you that you're playing a very dangerous game with your health. You might be ruining your metabolism permanently!"

"So what? I'm wearing a size 4 dress to the prom! Who cares about permanently?"

"You should. Permanently is a long time."

"Look, Mindy, I've been fat for all of my life and now I'm  not. Can't you please let me enjoy myself? Once I'm married I'll stop using Fat Off, I promise. But until then just leave me alone and butt out."

"When are you getting married?"

"The week after I graduate from high school."

"Tiffany, you're playing a dangerous game," Mindy warned.

"Hey, Tiffany!" Jennifer Clark came up to the table. "I tried that stuff and lost five pounds! I need some more. It stinks but who cares?"

Mindy stared at Tiffany. "You aren't sharing Fat Off, are you?" she hissed.

"Just with Jennifer," Tiffany mumbled. "Look, I promised I'd stop and I'm almost out of Fat Off anyway so calm down and go away, OK?"

"This isn't over," Mindy warned. "You've left me no choice but to go to your father."

"Good luck on that one," Tiffany replied. "When you figure out who my father is, let me know."

"I'll do that," Mindy said. "As a matter of fact, I'll d that right now."

Chunky Thighs and a Bad Attitude

Really? You’re the hotsy-totsy scientist and I have to tell you what to do? Really???

Mindy tried not to roll her eyes as she drove home after her dinner with Fritz. If she rolled them any more they would get permanently lodged in the back of her head and she’d drive off the road, killing herself. Then she’d never get to write her story about Kutrate Kemicals and win the Pulitzer Prize. But honestly! How could someone be as smart as Fritz and as utterly stupid at the same time?

Mindy reached the apartment she shared with Tyler and wearily climbed the steps. It had been a long day and all she wanted was a bubble bath before climbing into bed. She hoped Tyler wasn’t in a lovey-dovey mood because lovey-dovey was about the last thing she had on her mind.

As she put her key in the front door, Mindy heard voices coming from the other side. Oh, great—company? Who could Tyler be entertaining? Stepping inside, Mindy saw a pretty blonde sitting on the living room couch.

“Oh, hi, Mindy,” Tyler said when Mindy entered the apartment. “Look who’s here—Tiffany. She came over to tell us some big news.”

Mindy stared at Tyler’s cousin. Tiffany had always been on the hefty side—OK, she’d been enormous but the blonde teenager perched on the edge of their couch was positively svelte. “Oh, my gosh, Tiffany, what have you done to yourself? You look amazing!”

“I dropped a few pounds,” Tiffany said proudly while reaching for a dish of salted nuts that was on the coffee table. Within seconds she had polished off the entire dish.

“But how? I know dieting has always been a struggle for you. How’d you do it?”

“Will power,” Tiffany said smugly. “Do you have any pop? Those cashews made me thirsty.”

“We don’t have any diet soda,” Mindy replied.

“I never drink diet soda. All those chemicals are bad for you. I’ll take a regular pop.”

Tyler went into the kitchen to get the drinks and Mindy sat down next to Tiffany. There was no way that Tiffany could devour a pound of nuts and drink regular pop and still lose weight. Mindy narrowed her eyes. Tiffany must have gotten her formerly fat little hands on a can of Fat Off. “Tiffany,” she whispered, “I know how you lost weight. You found out about Fat Off, didn’t you?”

“You know about Fat Off? How come you don’t use it? Your thighs are looking a little chunky in those jeans.”

Mindy had forgotten how obnoxious teenagers could be. Especially Tyler’s cousin. “Have you been using Fat Off?”

Mindy pulled a giant-sized candy bar out of her purse and peeled off the wrapper. “You bet I have. And it works—I’m dropping weight like nobody’s business and I’m eating whatever I want. It’s the greatest diet in the world.”

A thought hit Mindy. “You know, I’m not sure if Fat Off has been proven safe yet.”

“So what? It works and I still get to eat. Who cares if it’s safe?”

Tiffany had a point but Mindy’s conscience wouldn’t allow her to butt out. “You should care. Suppose you get so skinny that you end up in the hospital?”

“Would you stop being such a worrywart? That’s not going to happen.”

“Well, what are you going to do when the spray runs out? I’m assuming that you stole it. How are you going to get another can?”

The candy bar stopped halfway to Tiffany’s mouth. “I’ll be really skinny by then. It won’t matter if the spray runs out.”

“How do you know you won’t start gaining all that weight back? Seriously, Tiffany, you need to see a doctor and tell him what you’ve done.”

“And you need to shut up and mind your own business. You’re just jealous because I’m getting married and you’re still single. I was going to ask you to be a bridesmaid but forget it! I don’t want a bridesmaid who has chunky thighs and a bad attitude.”

This conversation was going from bad to worse. “You’re getting married?”

Tiffany nodded. “Next week. Rex and I are having a lovely ceremony at the club and guess what? You aren’t invited.”

Tyler returned holding two glasses of soda. “Here we are, ladies. Mindy, did Tiffany tell you her big news?”

“She sure did.”

“Thanks, Tyler,” Tiffany said, draining her glass in ten seconds. “I have to go. A bride has a million things to do and I’ve also got a final in math tomorrow. I’ll see you at the wedding, Tyler. Please don’t bring your jealous, old maid, busybody girlfriend with you.” Tiffany stormed out of the apartment.

“What was that all about?” Tyler demanded. “She was happy until you talked to her.”

Mindy put her hands over her face. This was turning into a nightmare. Like it or not, she was going to have to scrap her plans for winning the Pulitzer and do something fast about Fat Off before that lamebrain Tiffany vanished into thin air.

Some People Will Do Anything to Have Thin Thighs

When Tiffany woke up, she had a major league headache and she couldn't smell anything other than that awful dead skunk smell lingering from that tiny squirt of Fat Off. Tiffany rolled over in her bed, burying her nose in her sheet. Fat Off smelled so incredibly bad. How would Kutrate Kemicals ever be able to sell it? She got out of bed and pulled on her robe, pulling the sash around her waist tightly.

Tiffany stopped and tugged on the sash again. Was it her imagination or was there a lot of extra sash for her to tie that morning? Was it possible that Fat Off had worked that quickly? She ran into the bathroom and hopped on the scale, holding her breath as she waited for the digital numbers to appear. "Oh my gosh! I lost three pounds!"

She stepped off the scale and ran to the mirror? Did she look any thinner? Maybe a little. How great was that? Who cared that Fat Off smelled like something that should have been buried a long time ago? It worked! Thin thighs were finally in Tiffany's reach and she didn't care if she completely ruined her sense of smell in the process.

Tiffany went into the kitchen and fixed herself an enormous breakfast: bacon, eggs, waffles, toast, orange juice and three large sweet rolls. "I'm doing this to prove that Fat Off works," Tiffany told herself. "If I lose weight after eating a three thousand calorie breakfast, then anyone will be able to lose weight." Pleased with her dedication to science, Tiffany poured syrup over almost everything on her plate and then added several large pats of butter.

When she was done eating, she found the white can of Fat Off and hesitated for just a moment before spraying it in the air. Instantly she began to gag but forced herself to slowly breath in the skunky smelling air. To her surprise, it didn't smell quite so bad after a few minutes.

"What are you doing?" Rex came into the living room. "This is my apartment, Tiffany, and I don't appreciate waking up to it smelling like a garbage truck!"

"Sorry," Tiffany replied offhandedly. "I'm going back to my dad's place tonight so I'll take the Fat Off with me."

Rex waved a hand in front of his nose. "You really think your old man is going to like that smell any better than I do?"

"I don't care," Tiffany replied. "I'm going to be skinny and you're taking me to the prom and I'm going to look gorgeous!"

"I thought prom dates had to be under 21 to attend your prom," Rex reminded her. "I'm 30."

"Oh, who's going to ask? You're also my fiance so that means you can come with me. Don't rain on my parade, Rex. I lost three pounds overnight and I bet I lose a couple more today. Isn't this great?"

"Not really," Rex said, holding his nose. "I think I'd rather be fat than smell that crap. Can't Kutrate Kemicals make it smell better?"

"If it works, who cares?" Tiffany kissed Rex on the cheek. "I'm going to get dressed."

In the bedroom she discovered that her jeans were slightly loose. "I love Fat Off," Tiffany called to Rex. "It's going to change my life!"

Dieting 101

All of the sudden, life had gotten pretty good. Tiffany sat down at her kitchen table and pulled out the sheet of paper that she'd stolen out of her aunt's desk, the paper that described the top secret new product--Fat Off--that promised almost instant thinness after a few squirts in the air. Tiffany studied her aunt's scrawls, a smile slowly covering her face.

If this stuff works I'll never have to say no to pepperoni again!

She wondered how long it took Fat Off to start melting pounds. It would probably be a good idea to get her hands on a can so she could give the spray a try. But how? Obviously, Aunt Mavis didn't have any Fat Off at her house or else Tiffany would have found it. Aunt Mavis didn't need it anyway. The woman subsisted on toast crumbs and booze and had never been more than a size four her entire life.

Tiffany read the paper again, slowly. It looked like Fat Off was being made at Kutrate Kemicals, that stinky factory on the west side of town. So that's where the spray had to be. All Tiffany needed to do was break into the factory. Maybe Rex would be better at doing that. He did have a criminal record and he'd said he would do anything for her. Besides, she didn't want to get arrested right before prom. That would really suck.

"What are you reading?" Rex asked as he lumbered into the kitchen.

"Rex, are you any good at breaking and entering?"

"Only the best, baby. Why?"

"I think you need to break into Kutrate Kemicals and find a can of Fat Off. That way we can see if it really works."

"I don't know," Rex said. "They probably have a pretty good security system. I'm more used to breaking into things like old people's houses and churches."

"You can do it," Tiffany encouraged. "I know you can. How about right now?"

"Tonight? I thought we were going to order a pizza and watch some tube."

Sometimes Rex got a little whiny but Tiffany didn't mind. From what she'd observed, all men got a little whiny now and then. "We can do that after you get the Fat Off. I really want it, Rex. Please go get it for me." Tiffany fluttered her eyelashes and put one hand on Rex's leg and squeezed it tightly. "Please?"

"This is the stuff that's supposed to make us a zillion bucks?"

"It sure is." Tiffany squeezed tighter.

"Ouch! You're cutting off the circulation! OK, I'll go but not tonight. I need to make plans first. You know, case the joint."

"How long will that take?"

"I should be ready by tomorrow night," Rex bragged. "I'm a fast study. Now will you order the pizza already?"

Picking up her phone, Tiffany placed an order for an extra-large pepperoni pizza along with a side of breadsticks. In one day she would have a can of Fat Off in her possession and then she'd be able to eat all the calories she wanted.

Pinky and the Brain

Mindy stood in the bathroom of her apartment putting the final touches on her make up. She was dressed for her date with Fritz, her hair was done and she felt as worn out and exhausted as a dishrag that had just finished washing all of the dishes for the Marines.

Tyler appeared in the doorway and whistled. "Looking good, Mindy. Are we going out tonight?"

"I'm going out. With Fritz."

Tyler frowned. "That old bald dude from work? What are you going out with him for?"

"Well, for starters because he asked me. Also because Fritz knows everything about Fat Off and I'm going to get him to share with me." Mindy leaned forward and added some blush. "He already told me that to get Fat Off to stop smelling requires a huge negative environmental impact. I want to find out if Bernard Morton is going to try to go through with it anyway."

"How could he?" Tyler questioned. "Wouldn't that be illegal?"

"Since when has that ever stopped anyone who is chasing a buck?" Mindy asked. Stepping back from the mirror she studied her reflection and sighed. Not her best but it was going to have to do. Turning, she eyed her boyfriend. "Have you applied for that job yet--the one as Fritz's assistant?"

"Mindy, we've gone over this. I don't know anything about science."

"Do you think that I do? Tyler, you need to fake these things."

"How could I possibly fake something like that?"

"That's up to you," Mindy replied. "Look, Tyler, if I can sacrifice an evening to spend it with Fritz, I think the very least you can do is try and help me. Don't you care at all about the environment?"

"Sure I do but you have to admit that Fat Off sounds like a pretty amazing product."

"What would be the point of being skinny if the environment was going down the tubes?"

"I'll put my application in tomorrow," Tyler promised. "Maybe I should come along to dinner for you. I could  get to know Fritz."

"We don't want him to know that we know each other," Mindy pointed out. Honestly, there were times when she felt like she was part of Pinky and the Brain and she sure as heck wasn't playing the part of Pinky. "All right, I'll be back later. Don't wait up for me."

Tyler put a cautious hand on her arm. "Are you sure this is safe? You don't think Fritz will make a move on you, do you?"

Mindy laughed. "He couldn't possibly make any more moves on me that Bernard Morton already has. Don't worry, Tyler. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

But as she walked out to her car, a wave of exhaustion washed over her. That was the problem; she was tired of taking care of everything and everyone. She was also tired of taking care of herself. In a nutshell, Mindy Cooper was plain tired.

Lose Weight Instantly???

Fritz Meyer stroked his gleaming bald head absent-mindedly. Sitting in his basement laboratory at Kutrate Kemicals, he felt like he was a rat buried in a cage deep inside the earth. He had invented a product that could revolutionize the dieting world but for the life of him Fritz couldn’t get the final bells and whistles that would make Fat Off a success. The idea was pure genius—a spray that took away a person’s appetite while at the same time melting the fat cells in his or her body—but the product had a huge flaw. It smelled terrible. Like mildewing sweat socks laced with the pungent scent of skunk and tossed with a touch of road kill. In spite of the fact that Fat Off had the potential to help millions of people shed pounds and lose inches, Fritz seriously doubted that even the most overweight person in the universe would want to endure the way the spray smelled at present.

“Excuse me, Mr. Meyer?” Fritz looked up and saw an attractive young woman standing in the lab’s doorway.

“Yes, I’m Fritz Meyer.” Fritz sat up straight and sucked in his gut. Good looking women seldom found their way down to his laboratory.

“Hi, I’m Mindy  Cooper,” the woman said breezily as she stepped into the lab. “I’m Bernard Morton’s assistant.”

“Oh, yes. His Girl Friday. He’s mentioned you.” Fritz didn’t add the details of how Bernard had mentioned this young lady. Fritz, unlike his boss, was a gentleman. “What can I do for you? Did Bernard send you down here?”

Mindy began to slowly circle the lab, taking in the test tubes and vast amount of chemicals that were on display. “So this is where the magic happens,” she remarked.

“Magic?”

“Your new fat loss concoction.”

“You know about that?”

“Well,” Mindy admitted, “I don’t know all that much. Bernard told me a little. It sounds amazing.”

Fritz was surprised since he thought that Fat Off was strictly confidential. Hmmm. Bernard’s relationship with this little tootsie had to be a lot more serious than anyone had believed. “It will be amazing once I get all the bugs worked out.”

“What kind of bugs are you talking about?” Mindy sat down on one of the high stools in the lab and looked up at Fritz with obvious interest. She was such a pretty girl with long dark hair and big brown eyes that Fritz momentarily forgot that he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone anything about Kutrate Kemical’s newest product.

“It stinks,” he admitted.

Mindy frowned. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“I mean that the compound I’ve developed smells bad. I need to figure out a way to either make it odor free or at least mask the smell so that people can tolerate it while they lose weight.”

“Well, how bad does it smell? I think people would tolerate quite a stench if it meant that they could lose pounds painlessly.”

Bernard reached for a plain aerosol can and shot a short blast into the air. Instantly, Mindy recoiled as a stench filled the lab. “Oh, my gosh! I see what you mean—that’s hideous!” Waving her hand back and forth in front of her nose, Mindy tried not to gag.

“I know,” Fritz said forlornly. “Here I sit with the most incredible weight loss technique ever invented and it’s useless to me until I can get it to stop stinking.”

“Can you get it to stop stinking?”

“Not without a toxic impact to the environment.”

“How toxic are we talking?”

“Very toxic. Of course, I’m sure that Bernard has shared with you that he doesn’t care about the environmental impact.” Fritz pursed his lips. “Some of us have morals. Or perhaps I should say that some of us have higher moral standards than others.”

Mindy nodded. “I think I know exactly what you mean. But what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m going to try to figure out a way to make Fat Off that isn’t toxic but that is still effective.”

“While you’re at it, I’d come up with another name,” Mindy advised. “’Fat Off’ is a terrible name.”

Fritz looked at her hopefully. “Perhaps we could join forces on that one, Miss Cooper. Are you free for dinner tonight?”

Mindy nodded. “As free as a bird,” she replied.

A Stunning New Weight Loss Strategy

"I'd say the evening was an unqualified success." Bernard Morton leaned back in his large leather King Executive chair and laced his fingers behind his thick head of dark hair. "Wouldn't you agree, Mindy?"

"Hmmm," Mindy mumbled. No way was she going to agree that Kutrate Kemical's Christmas party had been a 'success.' It had been an embarrassment. Muscling in on those nice lottery winners the way Bernard had--the man had absolutely no shame. And then acting like he'd pulled of some kind of coup--he was practically preening as he sat behind his desk, a big fat smile plastered across his gorgeous face. How could someone so amazingly handsome, so Warren Beatty-esque, so broad shouldered and trim waisted be such a complete and total boob?

"The food was great, the atmosphere was lovely, the drinks were decent--and I saved the company a bundle. A b-u-n-d-l-e. Pay attention, Mindy. I was really doing your job for you so try and learn something from this lesson. Never buy anything when you can get someone else to pick up the tab."

"That's the lesson you want me to learn?" Mindy ached for her rickety office chair, her 1960s metal desk and her dwindling list of subscribers back at the newspaper. Running a newspaper was thankless but working for Bernard was like getting her teeth drilled without pain medication. "I noticed you and Mavis were having a nice chat. Is she going to invest in the company?"

"Maybe."

"How come? Do we have a new product coming out?" Mindy stumbled a bit over the word 'we' but she knew that her boss liked it when the underlings "spoke Kutrate Kemical" and acted like everyone collecting a paycheck there was all part of one large, overextended family. A highly dysfunctional family, but a family just the same.

"As a matter of fact we do."

Mindy's heart began to pound. Finally! A break in what was going on behind the laboratory doors at Kutrate Kemicals! "Oh? What is it?"

"It's pretty technical. I'm not sure you'd understand it."

Mindy swallowed her fury. It was important that she not blow it this far into the game. "Probably not," she agreed, "but maybe if you dumb it down for me I might be able to get a little idea of what it is."

"Well, one of our top chemists has come up with a room freshener that kills appetites along with odors. A couple of squirts and people aren't hungry any more. It's a stunning new weight loss strategy."

"You're kidding me! What does it smell like? Food?"

"No, Mindy," Bernard said patiently. "If it smelled like food, that would make people more hungry. I knew this would be too complicated for you."

"Then what does it smell like?"

"We're working the bugs out on that one. Right now it doesn't smell too...pleasant. But I have confidence that Fritz will solve the odor problem and we'll be on the market within the year. After that, the sky is the limit. Can you imagine? Fat loss in an aerosol can! I'm doing to die a freaking gazillionaire!"

If it was true, then he probably would. Spraying something in the air that made a person lose weight would beat the heck out of sweating at the gym. But Mindy couldn't help but wonder exactly what Bernard wasn't telling her. There had to be a downside to this miracle product and she planned on finding it as quickly as she could.