Maid of Honor

"If I were you, I'd elope," Betsy Cooper advised her daughter. "No muss, no fuss and you won't have to deal with caterers. Heaven only knows how clean they keep their kitchens! You'd be much better off going to the local justice of the peace and tying the knot there."

Mindy felt her teeth grind together, undoubtedly ruining the thousands and thousands of dollars that she'd put into them over the years. That always happened whenever she saw her mother. She ground her teeth until her jaw ached and her molars pulsed. "We're considering eloping," she said, "but a real wedding might be nice tool." Actually--until her mother had told that she should elope--Mindy had wanted a quickie ceremony without any guests. But since that was what her mother was advising, Mindy didn't want to do that. There was something about their relationship that instantaneously turned her into a contrary ten-year-old.

"True," Betsy said thoughtfully. "Then Sandi could be your maid of honor."

"I don't think so. I have closer friends here in Schuyler Square who I'd rather have as my maid of honor."

"Mindy, that simply isn't done and it would be cruel not to include Sandi. I don't know why you can't get along with her. She's your only sister. You two should be better friends."

Like that was ever going to happen. It would be easier for Mindy to be friends with a barracuda than it would for her to be friends with Sandi. "I think your idea about eloping is the best one. Bernard and I want to keep it simple."

"You could have a simple wedding."

"Two minutes ago you wanted me to elope!"

"I'm entitled to change my mind, aren't I?"

"The only reason your in favor of a wedding is so Sandi can be in it. Why don't you bug her to get married? I'm sure she'd let you take care of all the details."

"That's because Sandi has always listened to me, unlike some people." Betsy sighed dramatically. "Well, do what you want. You always do anyhow." A knock on Mindy's front door interrupted them. Gratefully, Mindy got to her feet. Maybe it was Bernard. She hoped it wasn't Tyler. Truly, she wasn't sure who it could be since in spite of what she'd told her mother, Mindy really didn't have too many friends in Schuyler Square.

She pulled open the door and gasped. Standing in front of her was a tall, stunning redhead who was a dead ringer for Ginger Grant of Gilligan's Island fame. "What are you doing here?" Mindy demanded.

"Where else would I be?" her sister Sandi asked. "My big sister is getting married. Of course I want to be here for the big day."

Everybody Has a Mother!

"Your mother? I didn't know you had a mother." Bernard looked at his fiancee, Mindy, quizzically as if she'd been hiding something from him.

"Everybody has a mother, Bernard," Mindy told him. "Did you think that I was found under a toadstool or maybe wrapped in a package at Walmart?"

"I suppose I never thought about it," Bernard mused. "To tell you the truth, I don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about anybody other than myself. You might have noticed that."

"It was pretty hard to miss," Mindy said. "If you're so self-centered, why do you want to marry me?"

"Why not? You're pretty, smart and I need a wife. Plus you won't sleep with me if I don't marry you."

"Marriage seems pretty extreme just to sleep with me," Mindy warned.

Bernard shrugged. "It's time for me to settle down and I want smart, attractive children. I think you can produce a couple of those for me."

Mindy suddenly felt like a prize cow at the state fair but she brushed the sensation aside. Bernard might be marrying her for her genetics but she was marrying him for his bank account. It seemed like a fair trade to her. "Now about my mother. She's something of a clean freak so we're going to have to make sure your house is spotless before she visits."

"Why should my house be spotless? Won't she be staying with you?"

"Yes but Mom likes every place she visits to be spotless. She gets a little freaky about it."

Bernard raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Anything else I should know about my future mother-in-law?"

"Let's see...well, she's a bit of a kleptomaniac so don't leave anything really nice lying around. She picks up things like paperweights, knickknacks and anything else she can fit in her purse and takes them home with her. She's also kind of a hoarder."

"Mindy, I'm being to wonder if you might not have less sterling genes than I imagined."

"She's not that bad," Mindy insisted, "she's just odd. Oh, and then there's Sandi."

"Who is Sandi?"

"My sister. We aren't close. I doubt Mom will bring her."

"When is this visit going to take place?"

"Before we get married. I think my mom wants to check you out."

"Perhaps we should elope and beat her to the punch. She might not approve of me."

Mindy studied her current boss/fiance and saw an incredibly good looking man that any woman would undoubtedly approve of. "Don't worry. She'll approve. And when she's here, just remember to be grateful that she lives four hours away."

"I already am," Bernard assured her.

A Mother and Daughter Reunion

After accepting Bernard Morton's marriage proposal, Mindy Cooper knew that there were two people that she needed to inform of her decision right away: her mother and her boyfriend.

She cringed at the prospect of telling each of them her news. Tyler Schuyler was going to be understandably upset but her mother...well, who knew how Betsy Cooper would react? One thing was certain, her mother never reacted the way any other normal mother would. There would be no hugs or best wishes or talk about wedding plans. Her mother seemed to have a permanent kink in her personality when it came to parenting.

Mindy was relieved to find the apartment she shared with Tyler empty after Bernard brought her home. She'd call her mother first and then tell Tyler her news when he got home. Truthfully, she didn't think Tyler was going to take it too badly. Their relationship had never been exactly made out of fireworks. Firecrackers was more like it. Tyler could move back in with his horrible mommy, quit his temporary job at Kutrate Kemicals and get on with his life. It was really the best thing for him, Mindy decided virtuously. Why, she was actually doing him a favor by breaking up with him.

Feeling better, Mindy sat down on the couch and braced herself for the phone call to her mother. After taking several long gulps of air, she picked up her cell phone.

"Hi, Mom."

"Who is this? Sandi? Is that you?"

"No, it's Mindy, not Sandi," Mindy said through gritted teeth. She sounded nothing like her sister Sandi yet every time she called her mother, her mother mistook her for Sandi.

"Mindy! What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong?"

"You only call me when something's wrong."

"That's not true. I call you all the time--" Mindy stopped herself because she suddenly couldn't remember the last time she had called her mother. Was it when she needed to borrow money because her car broke down? Or was it when she needed to borrow money because she was short on rent money?" Oh, my. Her mother was right; she did only call when something was wrong. "Well, that's not the reason why I'm calling you tonight. I have some big news, Mom. I'm getting married!"

"You're getting married? Who on earth are you marrying? Some penniless journalist?"

"Actually, my fiance is extremely wealthy and very good looking. He looks a lot like Warren Beatty in his prime."

"Oh, Mindy, why would you want to marry someone who is better looking than you are? Men like that always cheat on their wives."

"Bernard is not better looking than I am," Mindy said. "I'm not exactly chopped liver, Mom."

"No, but you're also not a spring chicken. How did you meet this man?"

"We work together."

"He's a colleague at the newspaper? I thought you said he had money."

"I'm not working at the newspaper," Mindy explained. Good grief, when was the last time she'd spoken to her mother? It had to have been ages ago. "I'm working for a chemical company and Bernard is my boss."

"You're sleeping with your boss? That's a great way to get fired!"

"He's not going to fire me and we aren't sleeping together. We're engaged."

"The two are mutually exclusive, Mindy. I thought you knew that."

"Mom, it might be nice if you said congratulations or asked me when you can meet my fiance or told me how happy you are for me. Bernard Morton is a rich, handsome man and he wants to marry me. Most mothers would think that's good news!"

"Just don't let him meet your sister," Betsy Cooper advised. "Remember how all your old boyfriends fell for her once they met her?"

"That happened one time in junior high."

"Still, better safe than sorry. So when can I meet your fiance? Maybe I should come to Schuyler Square for a visit. It's been a while, Mindy. We can catch up with each other."

"I'll call you next week," Mindy promised. Maybe she'd be able to convince Bernard to elope before her mother's visit because she had the feeling that once Bernard met Betsy and saw what kind of family she came from, he might decide he didn't want to marry her after all.

A Mother and Child Reunion

Mavis was almost beside herself with excitement. Brad was home! Her baby, her first-born son, her favorite--although she'd always had the good taste and breeding to try and keep that from Tyler. It was simply that Brad was so much like her while Tyler was so much like...well, she wasn't quite sure where Tyler came from although there was the faint possibility that he was more like the pool man they'd employed the summer he'd been conceived than anyone else.

Tugging Brad by the arm, she pulled him back to the table where Rosanne and Mike sat, their mouths slightly open as they watched Mavis and Brad approaching.

"Why, Brad!" Rosanne said. "I can't believe it! How are you? I didn't know you were coming back to Schuyler Square."

"Nonsense," Mavis replied. "People always come home again. It's practically genetically programmed. I always knew my Brad would be back. He couldn't stay away from us forever!"

"Right," Brad said in a slightly weak voice. He must be hungry, Mavis decided. Heaven only knew what kind of swill he ate for the past year. Probably disgusting items bought at gas stations, like breakfast burritos and those enormous cinnamon rolls that resembled large fannies.

"You sit next to me, Brad," Mavis ordered.

"Maybe we should go so you two can have a reunion," Mike suggested.

"That isn't necessary," Brad said, ignoring his mother's kick against his shin. "It's nice to see both of you again. I hear you've had some good luck."

Rosanne beamed. "Yes, we won the lottery. Isn't that wonderful? We're having the best time of our lives. Mike and I both retired and we're concentrating on each other."

"We do need to talk about some investment strategies," Mavis said, "but not now. Right now I want to catch up with my darling baby boy."

"Let's go, Rosanne," Mike said. "We can have dinner together some other time, Mavis. Thanks for inviting us."

"You don't have to leave," Mavis said in a most insincere voice, "but if you don't mind, I'd love to have dinner with my best guy."

"Not a problem," Mike assured her looking relieved. "We'll call you." Before anyone else could say another word, Mike whisked his wife out of the Schuyler Square Country Club.

"Well! I thought they'd never leave," Mavis said. "Now we can really talk. Brad, what are you doing here? You've been so terrible about keeping in touch with me. What's going on?"

Brad opened his mouth to reply but another voice spoke first. "Hello, Mavis. Mind if we join you for a drink?"

Mavis looked up and saw Bernard Morton and that horrible Mindy Cooper standing next to the table. Rats. Of all the bad timing. For once, Mavis didn't want to think about business. She wanted to talk to her son. But  on the other hand, she didn't like how cozy Bernard and that little tramp Mindy were looking. Oh, well, her talk with Brad with have to wait. After all, it wasn't like he was going anywhere.Now that her son was back in Schuyler Square she planned on keeping him there forever. "Of course!" she said as she managed to smile at Bernard and glare and Mindy simultaneously. "We'd love it!"