Losing Weight Has Never Been Easier

"There has to be a way to get that formula away from Fritz," Mavis Schuyler mused over the top of her full to the brim martini glass. "I just can't get over it--weight loss in a can. Losing weight has never been easier!"

"What did you say, Mavis?" Vlad asked in a distracted voice.

Mavis studied her new boyfriend through narrowed eyes. "Vlad, we have the potential to make about a zillion dollars and you aren't listening to me! We need to figure out how to get that formula for Fat Off from Fritz. Then we could manufacture it out of Schuyler Industries and I could be even richer--doesn't that sound like a lovely plan?"

"For you, perhaps," Vlad agreed, "not so much for Fritz or for Kutrate Kemicals."

"Oh, who cares about Fritz or that smelly manufacturing plant? We are talking about the greatest invention since waterproof mascara! Don't you realize what this could mean--you'd never have to work another day in your life! We would be famous! Who knows, we might even get our own reality show as the King and Queen of Lowing Weight!"

Vlad returned to the newspaper he was reading. "I think dreams of glory have gone to your head, Mavis. We are talking about a silly little aersol spray that might work and might not. Plus it doesn't belong to you. And also, you're wealthy enough as it is. Don't you think you're being a little greedy to want even more money?"

"Vlad, I don't know if you've ever heard of the saying, 'you can never be too rich or too thin' but it's the truth. Yes, I'm rich and I'm also thin but I wouldn't being even richer and even skinnier."

Vlad turned a page and began to read the sports section. Mavis studied him for a moment before downing the rest of her martini. Vlad might be gorgeous. He might be smart and nice and have a fantastic build but he was so...proletariat. Who needed that? "I have a headache," she announced.

"Probably all the gin you've been drinking."

"Probably. But you need to go home. I'm going to take a bath and go to bed." Rising, Mavis waited for Vlad to get to his feet too.

"All right," he said agreeably. That was another thing about Vlad; he was too damn agreeable. Who needed that? "I hope you feel better, Mavis. May I suggest that you switch to water for awhile instead of martinis?"

"I'll do that," Mavis said as she walked Vlad to her front door. Liftin her chin, she waited for him to kiss her. As soon as Vlad was gone, Mavis ran toward her curved staircase and raced upstairs, two steps at a time. It was still early. Early enough for her to see what Fritz the bald chemist was up to that evening...

I Really Hate My Boss

"You know, I really hate my boss," Mindy announced to Tyler when she finally got home after her nightmarish date with Fritz. She had grown more and more angry with Bernard Morton during her drive home. The man was so arrogant, such an egomaniac, so damn rude. He acted like it was his right to rule the entire world, to snap his fingers and have everyone around him ask 'how high'? By the time she got back to the apartment she shared with Tyler, Mindy felt like her head was going to explode.

Tyler rubbed her shoulders gently. "I can't say I blame you. He's the worst boss I've ever had too. Plus the worst leader, the worst manager...I don't know how Kutrate Kemicals has managed to stay open with him in charge."

"Me neither. What makes me even more sick is how he's going to make so much money off of Fat Off--probably while polluting every river and stream in a thousand mile radius at the same time. It isn't right."

Tyler shrugged. "No, but what can we do about it?"

"Plenty," Mindy replied. "Bernard Morton shouldn't be the boss of an ant farm and I intend to take him and his sleazy ways down." She narrowed her eyes as she tried to figure out how she'd do that.

"So what are you going to do? Go back to your job at the newspaper and blast him?"

"No, hardly anyone reads the newspaper anymore. At least not our newspaper. What I want to do is first of all, think up a new name for Fat Off. Then I want to encourage Fritz to fix that odor problem the spray has--no one is going to buy a product that stinks like that one even if it makes them as skinny as a super model. Then I'm going to help them market Fat Off. And then..."

"Then what?"

"Then I'm going to turn them in to the EPA. I want Kutrate Kemicals shut down and if possible, I'd love to see Bernard Morton in handcuffs being taken off to a nice long stretch in prison."

Tyler laughed. "I have the feeling that you're not alone with that wish."

Lose Weight Instantly???

Fritz Meyer stroked his gleaming bald head absent-mindedly. Sitting in his basement laboratory at Kutrate Kemicals, he felt like he was a rat buried in a cage deep inside the earth. He had invented a product that could revolutionize the dieting world but for the life of him Fritz couldn’t get the final bells and whistles that would make Fat Off a success. The idea was pure genius—a spray that took away a person’s appetite while at the same time melting the fat cells in his or her body—but the product had a huge flaw. It smelled terrible. Like mildewing sweat socks laced with the pungent scent of skunk and tossed with a touch of road kill. In spite of the fact that Fat Off had the potential to help millions of people shed pounds and lose inches, Fritz seriously doubted that even the most overweight person in the universe would want to endure the way the spray smelled at present.

“Excuse me, Mr. Meyer?” Fritz looked up and saw an attractive young woman standing in the lab’s doorway.

“Yes, I’m Fritz Meyer.” Fritz sat up straight and sucked in his gut. Good looking women seldom found their way down to his laboratory.

“Hi, I’m Mindy  Cooper,” the woman said breezily as she stepped into the lab. “I’m Bernard Morton’s assistant.”

“Oh, yes. His Girl Friday. He’s mentioned you.” Fritz didn’t add the details of how Bernard had mentioned this young lady. Fritz, unlike his boss, was a gentleman. “What can I do for you? Did Bernard send you down here?”

Mindy began to slowly circle the lab, taking in the test tubes and vast amount of chemicals that were on display. “So this is where the magic happens,” she remarked.

“Magic?”

“Your new fat loss concoction.”

“You know about that?”

“Well,” Mindy admitted, “I don’t know all that much. Bernard told me a little. It sounds amazing.”

Fritz was surprised since he thought that Fat Off was strictly confidential. Hmmm. Bernard’s relationship with this little tootsie had to be a lot more serious than anyone had believed. “It will be amazing once I get all the bugs worked out.”

“What kind of bugs are you talking about?” Mindy sat down on one of the high stools in the lab and looked up at Fritz with obvious interest. She was such a pretty girl with long dark hair and big brown eyes that Fritz momentarily forgot that he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone anything about Kutrate Kemical’s newest product.

“It stinks,” he admitted.

Mindy frowned. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“I mean that the compound I’ve developed smells bad. I need to figure out a way to either make it odor free or at least mask the smell so that people can tolerate it while they lose weight.”

“Well, how bad does it smell? I think people would tolerate quite a stench if it meant that they could lose pounds painlessly.”

Bernard reached for a plain aerosol can and shot a short blast into the air. Instantly, Mindy recoiled as a stench filled the lab. “Oh, my gosh! I see what you mean—that’s hideous!” Waving her hand back and forth in front of her nose, Mindy tried not to gag.

“I know,” Fritz said forlornly. “Here I sit with the most incredible weight loss technique ever invented and it’s useless to me until I can get it to stop stinking.”

“Can you get it to stop stinking?”

“Not without a toxic impact to the environment.”

“How toxic are we talking?”

“Very toxic. Of course, I’m sure that Bernard has shared with you that he doesn’t care about the environmental impact.” Fritz pursed his lips. “Some of us have morals. Or perhaps I should say that some of us have higher moral standards than others.”

Mindy nodded. “I think I know exactly what you mean. But what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m going to try to figure out a way to make Fat Off that isn’t toxic but that is still effective.”

“While you’re at it, I’d come up with another name,” Mindy advised. “’Fat Off’ is a terrible name.”

Fritz looked at her hopefully. “Perhaps we could join forces on that one, Miss Cooper. Are you free for dinner tonight?”

Mindy nodded. “As free as a bird,” she replied.

A Stunning New Weight Loss Strategy

"I'd say the evening was an unqualified success." Bernard Morton leaned back in his large leather King Executive chair and laced his fingers behind his thick head of dark hair. "Wouldn't you agree, Mindy?"

"Hmmm," Mindy mumbled. No way was she going to agree that Kutrate Kemical's Christmas party had been a 'success.' It had been an embarrassment. Muscling in on those nice lottery winners the way Bernard had--the man had absolutely no shame. And then acting like he'd pulled of some kind of coup--he was practically preening as he sat behind his desk, a big fat smile plastered across his gorgeous face. How could someone so amazingly handsome, so Warren Beatty-esque, so broad shouldered and trim waisted be such a complete and total boob?

"The food was great, the atmosphere was lovely, the drinks were decent--and I saved the company a bundle. A b-u-n-d-l-e. Pay attention, Mindy. I was really doing your job for you so try and learn something from this lesson. Never buy anything when you can get someone else to pick up the tab."

"That's the lesson you want me to learn?" Mindy ached for her rickety office chair, her 1960s metal desk and her dwindling list of subscribers back at the newspaper. Running a newspaper was thankless but working for Bernard was like getting her teeth drilled without pain medication. "I noticed you and Mavis were having a nice chat. Is she going to invest in the company?"

"Maybe."

"How come? Do we have a new product coming out?" Mindy stumbled a bit over the word 'we' but she knew that her boss liked it when the underlings "spoke Kutrate Kemical" and acted like everyone collecting a paycheck there was all part of one large, overextended family. A highly dysfunctional family, but a family just the same.

"As a matter of fact we do."

Mindy's heart began to pound. Finally! A break in what was going on behind the laboratory doors at Kutrate Kemicals! "Oh? What is it?"

"It's pretty technical. I'm not sure you'd understand it."

Mindy swallowed her fury. It was important that she not blow it this far into the game. "Probably not," she agreed, "but maybe if you dumb it down for me I might be able to get a little idea of what it is."

"Well, one of our top chemists has come up with a room freshener that kills appetites along with odors. A couple of squirts and people aren't hungry any more. It's a stunning new weight loss strategy."

"You're kidding me! What does it smell like? Food?"

"No, Mindy," Bernard said patiently. "If it smelled like food, that would make people more hungry. I knew this would be too complicated for you."

"Then what does it smell like?"

"We're working the bugs out on that one. Right now it doesn't smell too...pleasant. But I have confidence that Fritz will solve the odor problem and we'll be on the market within the year. After that, the sky is the limit. Can you imagine? Fat loss in an aerosol can! I'm doing to die a freaking gazillionaire!"

If it was true, then he probably would. Spraying something in the air that made a person lose weight would beat the heck out of sweating at the gym. But Mindy couldn't help but wonder exactly what Bernard wasn't telling her. There had to be a downside to this miracle product and she planned on finding it as quickly as she could.