Proletariat Trollop?

In Schuyler Square, the path to true love is seldom smooth. Case in point: Tyler Schuyler. Tyler’s heart was broken when his fiancée, Mindy Cooper, dropped him for her rich, handsome boss. Since Tyler is also rich and handsome, he can’t quite figure out why Mindy preferred a Warren Beatty lookalike over him. Still recuperating from love gone wrong, Tyler is doing his best to avoid his brother’s girlfriend, the strange Claudine. Although Claudine arrived in Scuyler Square claiming to prefer the simple life over the trappings of the wealthy, her attitude has done a complete reversal and now she seems interested in pursuing two things: a really great pedicure and Tyler.

“Seriously, Claudine, you need to leave me alone.” Tyler looked at his brother’s girlfriend with annoyance. While he didn’t dislike Claudine, he definitely wasn’t crazy about the way she followed him around all the time, like a puppy on the trail of a freshly roasted sausage.

Claudine smiled at him through half closed eyes. Eyes that wore more makeup than a Vogue cover girl and that were nothing remotely like the naked eyelids Claudine had arrived in Schuyler Square with. “I don’t mean to annoy you, Tyler. I’m merely trying to get to know you better. After all, your brother and I might get married some day. That means we’ll be related.”

Removing Claudine’s hand from his knee, Tyler grimaced. “Yeah, you’ll be my sister-in-law if that ever happens. No offense, but I’m really not interested in getting to know you in any way else. If you’re engaged to Brad, why are you always coming on to me?”

“Because I find you wildly exciting,” Claudine purred. “Plus, I think you have more of a future than Brad.”

“What are you talking about? Brad’s running Schuyler Industries now. He’s the one with the future.”

Claudine shook her head. “Brad’s running Schuyler Industries into the ground.  You’re the one who should be at the helm. You’re the one with talent.”

In spite of himself, Tyler felt a flush of gratitude toward Claudine. It was about time that someone noticed that he wasn’t the loser little brother in the Schuyler family. He sure hadn’t heard anything like that from Mindy. “I don’t know about that,” he said modestly.

“I do,” Claudine assured him. “As a matter of fact, I—“

“Hey, guys, what’s happening?” Brad entered the family room, a goofy smile on his face.

Tyler looked at his big brother with a mixture of relief and irritation. While he didn’t really like Claudine, it was pretty nice to hear her tell him how great he was. On the other hand, Tyler knew he wasn’t up to starting anything with Claudine. The last thing he needed was another mess and getting involved with his brother’s girlfriend had mess written all over it.

“Not much,” Tyler replied. “I was just leaving.”

“You don’t have to go,” Brad told him. “As a matter of fact, I’d like you to record this.”

“Record what?”

“This.” Dramatically Brad dropped to one knee in front of Claudine. “Get your phone,” He ordered Tyler. “This is going on YouTube.”

“What is?”

Brad pulled a small velvet box out of his hip pocket and slowly brought it up in front of Claudine’s astonished face. “Are you ready?” he asked Tyler.

Obediently, Tyler found his phone and began recording the bizarre scene that was unfolding in front of him.

“Claudine, you are my day and my night,” Brad said solemnly. “You are my reason for living, the cinnamon on my oatmeal, the angel on my Christmas tree. Will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Bradley Schuyler?”

The cinnamon on my oatmeal? Tyler almost began to laugh but the desire withered away as he realized what was happening. Oh my gosh, she’s going to say yes! How can she marry Brad after coming on to me two minutes ago?

Pretty easily, apparently. Taking the box out of Brad’s upturned palm, Claudine opened it, a gasp of delight escaping as she gazed at the enormous diamond nestled inside. “Oh, Brad! It’s huge!”

“Five carats,” Brad replied. “I know you’ve always looked down on crass materialistic items like diamonds but…”

“Not when they’re a symbol of true love,” Claudine assured him as she jammed the ring onto her ring finger.

“Is that a yes?”

“How could I say no? I’m going to be your wife and have the best brother-in-law in the world!”  Claudine threw her arms around Brad.

“Brad, what are you doing?” Brad and Tyler’s mother barged into the room, her eyes on fire. “You stole that ring from my safe! It belonged to my mother and there’s no way you’re giving it to that proletariat trollop!”

Claudine smiled up at her future mother-in-law sweetly. "Too late, Mavis. He already has."

Quite Fantastic

"Where is everybody?" Brad Schuyler asked his brother Tyler. "Where's Claudine? Where's Mom? Where's Tiffany?"

Tyler looked up guiltily from the book he was reading. "How should I know?" he asked. "I've been up here reading all afternoon."

Brad looked at him quizzically. "Since when did you learn how to read upside down?" He reached for the book Tyler was holding and turned it right side up. "And since when were you interested in reading The Love Machine?"

Oh, crap. Tyler had grabbed the book off his mother's nightstand without looking at the title. "I like to read a lot of different things," he said defensively. "And I don't know where anyone is."

Brad sat down in the armchair next to Tyler's bed. "That's strange. I wonder if Tiffany had a doctor's appointment."

"Yeah, come to think of it she did. Mom took her."

"That poor dopey kid," Brad remarked. "Why would she ever try anything as stupid as a spray that's supposed to make you thin?"

"Well, it worked," Tyler pointed out. "She got skinny."

"She also got really sick. I just hope she doesn't have any long lasting aftereffects."

"Yeah, me too," Brad mumbled while thinking go away go away go away. He was sure that if Brad stayed one minute longer he'd know what had happened between Claudine and Tyler. Not that anything happened, Tyler quickly reminded himself. Claudine had kissed him but he hadn't kissed her back. He hadn't betrayed anyone.

"Are you going out with Mindy tonight?"

"Who?"

"Your girlfriend. Mindy Cooper."

"Uh, no. She's getting married."

"What?"

"She's marrying her boss. That creepy dude with the big 80s hair."

Brad frowned. "You don't seem too upset, Tyler. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine and of course I'm upset but it's better that I found out what kind of woman Mindy is before we got married, right? Wouldn't you want to know if Claudine was interested in somebody besides you?"

"Well, sure but that's not going to happen. Claudine told me that I'm the only man in the world for her."

Tyler felt a flash of sympathy for his brother. He was used to being the clueless member of the Schuyler family but it looked like for once Brad was the one who didn't know what was going on right under his nose. "That's good, I guess. Still, maybe you'd better--"

"Maybe he'd better what?" Claudine asked from the doorway. Tyler gulped. Claudine had changed into a slinky purple nightgown that showed off her figure nicely. He hadn't realized this his brother's weird girlfriend was so...busty. "What are you two boys talking about?" Claudine slithered into the bedroom and perched on Brad's knee. "Are you talking about me?" She looked at Tyler with blazing eyes.

"Yeah, we were. I was just saying how great you are," Brad told her.

"Thank you," Claudine replied, her eyes still pinned on Tyler. "I don't mean to correct you, Brad, but I've been told that I'm better than great. I'm actually quite fantastic."

Tyler suddenly felt like he might throw up.

Mindy Moves On and Claudine Moves In

"I don't understand what you're saying to me." Tyler Schuyler stared intently into his girlfriend Mindy's face. "What do you mean that you're going to marry someone else?"

"I mean that I'm going to marry someone else," Mindy said a touch impatiently. "I don't know how I can get any plainer than that, Tyler."

"Who are you going to marry?"

"Ummmm...my boss. Bernard Morton."

"I knew it! I knew you were fooling around with him! You've been crazy about him ever since you started working at Kutrate Kemicals--I could tell by the way you talked about him all the time and the way you looked at him whenever you were around him!"

"Then I guess this isn't such a big surprise for you then, Tyler. Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you--"

"Well, you have hurt me. I quit going to college to help you out with your stupid investigative reporting. I got a job at Kutrate Kemicals and risked my life trying to snoop for you. I did all the leg work on Fat Off for you--"

"Tyler, please. Let's not exaggerate. You did those things because you wanted to. I never forced you."

"I did them because I loved you and I wanted to help you."

"I know that and I'm sorry."

"Excuse me." Claudine came into the living room and Mindy looked at her gratefully. She wasn't too crazy about Tyler's brother's girlfriend but at that moment she would have welcomed an interruption from the Sasquatch. "I didn't know anyone was in here. I'll leave the two of you alone."

"No! That's all right. I was just leaving, Claudine." Feeling extremely chicken hearted, Mindy seized the moment to escape and leaped to her feet. "Tyler, I am sorry. I know that you won't want to come to the wedding so I won't insult you further by inviting you." Dropping a kiss on Tyler's cheek, Mindy ran from the living room. Seconds later the sound of the front door slamming filled the air.

Claudine looked at Tyler. "Well. That's that. If you don't mind me saying so, you're better off without her. She has very sneaky eyes."

"She has beautiful eyes!" Tyler protested.

"Beautiful lying eyes," Claudine corrected. "I heard her say that she's marrying her boss."

"You were eavesdropping?"

Claudine shrugged. "It's hard not to hear things in a house like this one. The acoustics are perfect. Listen, Tyler, you're far too good for someone like Mindy. You have an innocent heart and a good mind. You can do much better." Claudine sat down next to Tyler and put a light hand on his knee. "As a matter of fact, I think that you have a great deal of potential. Probably more than anyone else living under this ridiculously expensive roof."

Tyler gulped. "Where's Brad?"

Claudine leaned forward and kissed him. "Visiting Tiffany with your mother. It's just the two of us, Tyler. Can you handle that?"

Tyler gulped again. Truthfully, he pretty much doubted that he could handle Claudine or any other woman at that moment. With a swift leap into the air, he bolted from the living room and left Claudine alone.