Quite Fantastic

"Where is everybody?" Brad Schuyler asked his brother Tyler. "Where's Claudine? Where's Mom? Where's Tiffany?"

Tyler looked up guiltily from the book he was reading. "How should I know?" he asked. "I've been up here reading all afternoon."

Brad looked at him quizzically. "Since when did you learn how to read upside down?" He reached for the book Tyler was holding and turned it right side up. "And since when were you interested in reading The Love Machine?"

Oh, crap. Tyler had grabbed the book off his mother's nightstand without looking at the title. "I like to read a lot of different things," he said defensively. "And I don't know where anyone is."

Brad sat down in the armchair next to Tyler's bed. "That's strange. I wonder if Tiffany had a doctor's appointment."

"Yeah, come to think of it she did. Mom took her."

"That poor dopey kid," Brad remarked. "Why would she ever try anything as stupid as a spray that's supposed to make you thin?"

"Well, it worked," Tyler pointed out. "She got skinny."

"She also got really sick. I just hope she doesn't have any long lasting aftereffects."

"Yeah, me too," Brad mumbled while thinking go away go away go away. He was sure that if Brad stayed one minute longer he'd know what had happened between Claudine and Tyler. Not that anything happened, Tyler quickly reminded himself. Claudine had kissed him but he hadn't kissed her back. He hadn't betrayed anyone.

"Are you going out with Mindy tonight?"

"Who?"

"Your girlfriend. Mindy Cooper."

"Uh, no. She's getting married."

"What?"

"She's marrying her boss. That creepy dude with the big 80s hair."

Brad frowned. "You don't seem too upset, Tyler. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine and of course I'm upset but it's better that I found out what kind of woman Mindy is before we got married, right? Wouldn't you want to know if Claudine was interested in somebody besides you?"

"Well, sure but that's not going to happen. Claudine told me that I'm the only man in the world for her."

Tyler felt a flash of sympathy for his brother. He was used to being the clueless member of the Schuyler family but it looked like for once Brad was the one who didn't know what was going on right under his nose. "That's good, I guess. Still, maybe you'd better--"

"Maybe he'd better what?" Claudine asked from the doorway. Tyler gulped. Claudine had changed into a slinky purple nightgown that showed off her figure nicely. He hadn't realized this his brother's weird girlfriend was so...busty. "What are you two boys talking about?" Claudine slithered into the bedroom and perched on Brad's knee. "Are you talking about me?" She looked at Tyler with blazing eyes.

"Yeah, we were. I was just saying how great you are," Brad told her.

"Thank you," Claudine replied, her eyes still pinned on Tyler. "I don't mean to correct you, Brad, but I've been told that I'm better than great. I'm actually quite fantastic."

Tyler suddenly felt like he might throw up.