I Hope You Have a Long, Miserable Marriage Together

"Tyler! What are you doing here!" Mindy stared at her former boyfriend. It was totally out of character for Tyler to show up without calling first. Another thing that was totally out of character was the angry look on Tyler's cute face. During all the time that they had been together, Tyler was always the most low-key, serene person Mindy had ever met.

"I was going to call and ask if it was OK if I came over but then I thought 'why should I?' I mean, it's not like you showed a lot of consideration toward my feelings."

Uh oh. Mindy had the sinking feeling that she was about to get involved in an over the top confrontation with her ex over the somewhat shabby way she had treated him. Mindy was so not in the mood for that. She had enough on her plate dealing with her crazy mother, her selfish sister and her confusing feelings about her soon-to-be-husband. Now Tyler wanted to talk about how she had broken up with him? She didn't think so.

"This really isn't the best time for me. I'm right in the middle of something."

Surprisingly, Tyler pushed open the front door and stepped into Mindy's living room. That was another thing Tyler had ever done--act aggressively. Mindy felt a nudge of fear. Suppose her dumping Tyler had pushed him over the edge? What if he had come over to slap her around or kidnap her or worse? Mindy stood up straight and crossed her arms. "Tyler, I told you that I'm busy so please leave."

"Busy doing what? Planning your wedding to Mr. Big Shot Boss? Planning on how you'll be the next first lady of Schuyler Square once you have your rich hubby's money supporting you? Figuring out your honeymoon in Jamaica while I'm sitting in my bedroom at my mommy's house watching reruns of Arrested Development on Netflix?"

"Actually, I was just doing some hand laundry," Mindy told him. "Now would you get out of here? We don't have anything to say to each other."

"You might not have anything to say to me but I have some truths I'd like to share with you."

"Truths? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, my darling former girlfriend, that I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm no longer going to keep my mouth shut about anything and I'm going to tell people exactly what I think of them and their behavior."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?"

"Because I"m tired of being Mr. Nice Guy, the local pushover. Mommy's Little Boy. A rich loser, a null set..."

Mindy sat down on the edge of her couch. "Is this going to take long because if it is, I'm going to get a fresh cup of coffee."

"No, it shouldn't take too long to tell you that I think you are the most selfish woman I've ever met."

"Even more than your mother?"

Tyler considered the question. "Almost as selfish as my mother," he amended. "You use people, you care only about yourself, you're cynical, hard-hearted and not nearly as wonderful a reporter as you seem to think you are. Plus you're inconsiderate, never put your dirty clothes in the hamper and you binge on sour cream and onion potato chips when you think no one is around and leave just the crumbs for the next person."

Mindy was surprisingly hurt. "You really think all those things about me?"

"I KNOW all those things about you! You deserve Bernard Morton, Mindy. I hope you have a long, miserable marriage together."

"Tyler, I know I didn't treat you very well and I am sorry about that. I guess I didn't realize how much you cared for me."

"I was in love with you, Mindy, but that's over. The next time I fall in love it's going to be with someone who is worthy of my affection."

A knock on the front door interrupted them. Before Mindy could answer it, the door opened and Brad's girlfriend Claudine stepped in. "There you are!" she said to Tyler without bothering to glance in Mindy's direction. "I've been looking for you."

Crossing the room she took Tyler by the arm and led him out of the apartment. The door shut behind them, leaving Mindy alone and perplexed.

Do I really leave just the crumbs of the sour cream and onion potato chips for the next person? Is that the kind of woman I am?

Sadly, she knew that the answer was a resounding 'yes.' She also knew that she didn't plan on doing anything about it.

What's a Mother To Do?

"Truly, darling, in time you will see that this is all for the best." Mavis Schuyler tried to sound sincere as she comforted her son Tyler. It was difficult since she felt like bursting into song and dancing around the living room after hearing that Mindy Cooper was marrying someone other than her precious Tyler. That girl was so...average. Tyler needed to be with someone who was far, far above average in every way. Of course, it didn't thrill Mavis to know that Miss Average Mindy was marrying the all too attractive Bernard Morton but that was a small price to pay to have Tyler safely out of Mindy's clutches.

"You never liked Mindy," Tyler accused from his prone position on the couch.

"That's not true. I thought she was very industrious and could have been quite attractive if ever she found herself a decent stylist. What you need to do, Tyler, is get ride back on the horse again. Start dating immediately. If you'd like, I'll arrange for a date with that charming Violet Peck. You do know that Violet is going to inherit millions on her thirtieth birthday."

Tyler dramatically threw an arm over his eyes. "I've loathed Violet Peck ever since we were in kindergarten together and she told everyone that I wet my pants during recess. Mother, please, let me deal with this by myself. I don't need any help."

"Of course, darling," Mavis murmured. She'd give Tyler a week or two to get over Mindy and then she'd start fixing him up with some decent girls. Then once Tyler was safely attached to a respectable female, she'd focus on getting Brad to see that the barracuda he was dating was a one-way ticket to Nowheresville. Honestly, how could someone as discriminating as she happened to be have raised such thick headed sons?

"Tyler?" Claudine the Barracuda came into the living room. "Would you mind driving me to the co-op? I'm out of brown rice and Brewer's yeast."

"Where's Brad?" Mavis questioned. "Can't he drive you?"

Claudine ignored Mavis. "Then I'd like to stop and have a cup of organic tea at that coffee shop down on Center Avenue. My treat if you'll drive me."

"Why don't you walk?" Mavis asked more than a touch testily. She didn't like being ignored but she especially didn't like being ignored by that incredibly annoying, throw-back to 1972 Claudine. "I thought you didn't believe in riding in cars and ruining the ozone layer."

Finally, Claudine turned her head and gazed directly at Mavis. "It's 95 degrees out," she said. "In this kind of weather I force myself to ignore my principles."

Mavis smirked. "Shouldn't principles hold in all kinds of weather?" Oh,she had this little cookie's number and it was a big, fat zero.

Claudine went back to ignoring her. "Please, Tyler. I really don't want to walk and the sale ends today."

"Shouldn't you be heading back to  your commune one of these days?" Mavis questioned. "Or doesn't it go against your principles to freeload off other people for months on end?"

"I'll drive you," Tyler said, getting to his feet heavily. "Anything to stop your bickering."

Claudine shot Mavis a triumphant look. "You really should be nicer to your sons' girlfriends," she remarked. "You never know when one of us will end up as your daughter-in-law."

Mavis waited until she heard the front door slam before reaching for her cell phone. Enough was enough. It was time for the Granola Princess to move on. Punching in a number, Mavis waited impatiently for the party on the other end to pick up.

Mindy Moves On and Claudine Moves In

"I don't understand what you're saying to me." Tyler Schuyler stared intently into his girlfriend Mindy's face. "What do you mean that you're going to marry someone else?"

"I mean that I'm going to marry someone else," Mindy said a touch impatiently. "I don't know how I can get any plainer than that, Tyler."

"Who are you going to marry?"

"Ummmm...my boss. Bernard Morton."

"I knew it! I knew you were fooling around with him! You've been crazy about him ever since you started working at Kutrate Kemicals--I could tell by the way you talked about him all the time and the way you looked at him whenever you were around him!"

"Then I guess this isn't such a big surprise for you then, Tyler. Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you--"

"Well, you have hurt me. I quit going to college to help you out with your stupid investigative reporting. I got a job at Kutrate Kemicals and risked my life trying to snoop for you. I did all the leg work on Fat Off for you--"

"Tyler, please. Let's not exaggerate. You did those things because you wanted to. I never forced you."

"I did them because I loved you and I wanted to help you."

"I know that and I'm sorry."

"Excuse me." Claudine came into the living room and Mindy looked at her gratefully. She wasn't too crazy about Tyler's brother's girlfriend but at that moment she would have welcomed an interruption from the Sasquatch. "I didn't know anyone was in here. I'll leave the two of you alone."

"No! That's all right. I was just leaving, Claudine." Feeling extremely chicken hearted, Mindy seized the moment to escape and leaped to her feet. "Tyler, I am sorry. I know that you won't want to come to the wedding so I won't insult you further by inviting you." Dropping a kiss on Tyler's cheek, Mindy ran from the living room. Seconds later the sound of the front door slamming filled the air.

Claudine looked at Tyler. "Well. That's that. If you don't mind me saying so, you're better off without her. She has very sneaky eyes."

"She has beautiful eyes!" Tyler protested.

"Beautiful lying eyes," Claudine corrected. "I heard her say that she's marrying her boss."

"You were eavesdropping?"

Claudine shrugged. "It's hard not to hear things in a house like this one. The acoustics are perfect. Listen, Tyler, you're far too good for someone like Mindy. You have an innocent heart and a good mind. You can do much better." Claudine sat down next to Tyler and put a light hand on his knee. "As a matter of fact, I think that you have a great deal of potential. Probably more than anyone else living under this ridiculously expensive roof."

Tyler gulped. "Where's Brad?"

Claudine leaned forward and kissed him. "Visiting Tiffany with your mother. It's just the two of us, Tyler. Can you handle that?"

Tyler gulped again. Truthfully, he pretty much doubted that he could handle Claudine or any other woman at that moment. With a swift leap into the air, he bolted from the living room and left Claudine alone.