This Winter is Brutal

"Come in," Rex said. "Get out of the cold. This winter is brutal."

"Thank you." Claudine swept in the small apartment Rex shared with Tiffany and Rex quickly shut the door behind her.

"Some weather," he said. "This has been the worst winter I can remember having in a long time--"

"I didn't come here to discuss the weather," Claudine snapped. "I've never been one for small talk. I want you to do something for me."

Rex crossed his arms and waited. If Claudine didn't want small talk, then he wouldn't talk at all.

"Well? Are you willing to help me?" Claudine demanded after a few silent seconds.

"Help you do what?"

"I need for you to get rid of someone. My...an old...a former, oh, damn. It's my sort of husband. You need to get him out of my life."

Rex stared at Claudine, taking in the fresh highlights in her mousy brown hair, the fancy looking winter coat she was wearing and her brand new boots. The woman standing in front of him was a far cry from the dumpy quasi-hippie who had moved into the Schuyler's house months before. Obviously Claudine had gotten a taste of the good life and liked how it went down. Rex got that since he felt exactly the same way. Still, that didn't mean he had to help the broad. Why should he? "Why should I? What's in it for me?"

"I can pay you a thousand dollars."

"Let's clear up a few things first such as why did you come to me with this offer and what exactly do you want me to do? Rough the guy up or push him in front of a train?"

"Either would work," Claudine said thoughtfully.

"What made you think of coming to me?"

Claudine blushed slightly. "Well, you have a reputation for being a little rough around the edges. Plus you always seem to need money. I put the two together and came up with..."

"A plan that could get me a nice, long stretch in jail. No, thanks."

"What am I supposed to do if you won't help me?" Claudine demanded. "Steve could really screw up my relationship with Brad and the rest of the Schuylers."

"Why don't you just tell Brad about your former boyfriend. He's nuts about you. He won't care."

Heading for the door, Claudine shook her head. "You simply don't understand how rich people think, Rex. That's why you'll always be lower class." She slammed the apartment door on her way out.

Rex had to laugh. Maybe he should take Claudine up on her offer and then figure out a way to get rid of Claudine and her ex-boyfriend in one fell swoop. He might not understand how rich people thought but he had a newsflash for Claudine: she didn't either since what she wanted to do to this joker named Steve sounded like exactly what her future mother-in-law wanted to do to her.

"Life," Rex said, "is definitely strange."

Losing Weight Has Never Been Easier

"There has to be a way to get that formula away from Fritz," Mavis Schuyler mused over the top of her full to the brim martini glass. "I just can't get over it--weight loss in a can. Losing weight has never been easier!"

"What did you say, Mavis?" Vlad asked in a distracted voice.

Mavis studied her new boyfriend through narrowed eyes. "Vlad, we have the potential to make about a zillion dollars and you aren't listening to me! We need to figure out how to get that formula for Fat Off from Fritz. Then we could manufacture it out of Schuyler Industries and I could be even richer--doesn't that sound like a lovely plan?"

"For you, perhaps," Vlad agreed, "not so much for Fritz or for Kutrate Kemicals."

"Oh, who cares about Fritz or that smelly manufacturing plant? We are talking about the greatest invention since waterproof mascara! Don't you realize what this could mean--you'd never have to work another day in your life! We would be famous! Who knows, we might even get our own reality show as the King and Queen of Lowing Weight!"

Vlad returned to the newspaper he was reading. "I think dreams of glory have gone to your head, Mavis. We are talking about a silly little aersol spray that might work and might not. Plus it doesn't belong to you. And also, you're wealthy enough as it is. Don't you think you're being a little greedy to want even more money?"

"Vlad, I don't know if you've ever heard of the saying, 'you can never be too rich or too thin' but it's the truth. Yes, I'm rich and I'm also thin but I wouldn't being even richer and even skinnier."

Vlad turned a page and began to read the sports section. Mavis studied him for a moment before downing the rest of her martini. Vlad might be gorgeous. He might be smart and nice and have a fantastic build but he was so...proletariat. Who needed that? "I have a headache," she announced.

"Probably all the gin you've been drinking."

"Probably. But you need to go home. I'm going to take a bath and go to bed." Rising, Mavis waited for Vlad to get to his feet too.

"All right," he said agreeably. That was another thing about Vlad; he was too damn agreeable. Who needed that? "I hope you feel better, Mavis. May I suggest that you switch to water for awhile instead of martinis?"

"I'll do that," Mavis said as she walked Vlad to her front door. Liftin her chin, she waited for him to kiss her. As soon as Vlad was gone, Mavis ran toward her curved staircase and raced upstairs, two steps at a time. It was still early. Early enough for her to see what Fritz the bald chemist was up to that evening...