Let's Make a Deal

"Rex, I think you're perfectly well aware of why I asked to see you today." Mavis Schuyler looked at her niece's boyfriend, disdain on her patrician, surgically enhanced features.

Rex winked at Mavis. "I never took you for the cougar type but, yeah, I can see it now that we're alone together for once."

Mavis cringed. "What are you talking about?"

"You aren't too bad looking for an older broad. I know you chicks over forty dig us young guys but you should know that I'm totally smitten with your niece--although that doesn't mean I wouldn't consider the idea. I'm open to all kinds of experiences."

Mavis narrowed her eyes until they were twin slits of Midnight Blue Eyeliner. "Please do not further revolt me, Rex, by continuing to speak. I am not a 'cougar' but if I ever did decide to venture down that particular path, I assure you that you're the least likely candidate for my affections in the entire universe after Sasquatch but it would be a very close race."

Rex frowned. "Whatever. I'm just saying that you know where to find me and Tiffany would be none the wiser. I can be real discreet."

"Don't hold your breath," Mavis suggested. "Now what I want to talk about is your upcoming marriage to Tiffany. You should know that while Tiffany is going to inherit some money on her eighteenth birthday, she won't come into the bulk of it until she's thirty."

"What? Tiffany never told me that!"

"Probably because Tiffany never listens whenever I attempt to discuss finances with her. You should also know that I have complete control of Tiffany's finances until her thirtieth birthday."

"So what are we supposed to do while waiting for the rest of her bucks?"

"Might I suggest finding a job?"

"If I wanted to work, I'd marry someone poor like me."

"I take it you don't want to work?"

"Who does? That pretty much sucks, Mavis. Can't you fix things so Tif can get her hands on her money right now? Her mom left it to her, didn't she?"

"Yes, Tiffany's mother left her money to Tiffany, not to any gold-digging creep who might come along."

"Are you saying that you think I'm a gold-digging creep?" Rex demanded.

"You took the words right out of my mouth," Mavis said sweetly. She held up her hand. "Shhh. I heard the front door. That will be Tiffany. Not a word about this conversation, Rex."

"What conversation? You did all the talking and I did all the listening."

"And you did it surprisingly well. Now if you continue to listen to me, I'll make it worth your trouble."

"Aunt Mavis? Where are you?" Tiffany's voice floated down the hallway.

"I'll give you five thousand dollars to disappear from Tiffany's life for good."

Rex considered the offer for less than two seconds before holding out his hand. "Make it ten and we've got a deal, Aunt Mavis."

My Metabolism is So Out of Whack

"This sucks!" Tiffany glared at her aunt from her bed. "Why can't I be at Rex's apartment? Or my dad's apartment?"

"Which dad would that be, Tiffany? Your biological father or the man who thought he was your biological father?"

"Either would be better than being here with you," Tiffany said. "You're a nurse like that one in that old movie--Nurse Rachet."

"Now Tiffany," Mavis said, hurt by both the accusation and her niece's obvious lack of appreciation for the bowl of soup that Mavis had just brought her, "that isn't very nice. The doctors agreed that you need to be in a quiet, stable place--"

"So why am I here?" Tiffany rudely interrupted. "Schuyler Manor is quiet but it's about as stable as the stock market."

"You are here because I am your aunt and I volunteered to take care of you. Once you are well enough to leave, I assure you that I won't hold you back. Might I add that a 'thank you' on your part might be in order."

"Thank you for what? For leaving that can of Fat Off lying around so I could find it and start using it? For getting my hopes up that I'll finally be skinny for once in my life? For ruining my metabolism? That's what Fat Off did, you know. The doctor said my metabolism is so out of whack that it's going to take years for me to be normal again."

"Well, who asked you to steal it out of my desk?" Mavis asked. "No one held a gun to your head and forced you to start squirting Fat Off into the air. You've brought this on yourself, my dear, and you have no one else to blame but yourself."

Tiffany glared at her aunt. "Now I won't be able to fit into the wedding dress I bought. Maybe I won't even get to wear it--Rex might not want to marry me if I gain weight!"

"You should be so lucky," Mavis muttered.

"What?"

"I said that's nonsense. Of course Rex will want to marry you. He's obviously head over heels in love with you. You're undoubtedly the best thing that's ever happened to him."

The angry look on Tiffany's face faded slightly. "Do you really think so, Aunt Mavis?"

"I know so. Now eat your soup before it gets cold."

A knock on the door interrupted them and Rex poked his head into the bedroom. "Hey, Tiffany! Hey, Aunt Mavis! OK if I come in?"

Mavis cringed. Rex spoke to her far too familiarly. She'd have to do something about that. "Hello, Rex," she said coldly.

"Rex! Where have you been? I've missed you so much!"

"Back at you, babe." Rex eyed Mavis nervously. "Do you mind, Aunt Mavis? Tiff and I need to chat."

"Of course I don't mind," Mavis responded, quickly leaving the room, "but don't stay too long. Tiffany needs her rest."

Once in the hallway, Mavis paused outside the door. She was sure that Rex was about to dump her niece and although she knew that would be painful for Tiffany, she also knew that it was the best possible thing that could happen. Tiffany, in spite of her irritating teenage personality, could do much better than Rex.

"Baby, I was so worried about you," Mavis heard Rex say.

"Why didn't you come to see me sooner?" Tiffany demanded.

"That rat aunt of yours wouldn't let me in. Didn't she tell you?"

"No, she did not! Oh, Rexie, I've missed you too. I'm sorry about getting sick. I'm probably going to put on some weight too--the doctors don't know what's going to happen to me now."

"I don't care about that--I only care about you. Listen, let's get married as soon as we can. Forget the big wedding--let's get married on your eighteenth birthday!"

Mavis almost pitched forward in the hallway. That moron still wanted to marry her niece? What was wrong with him?

"Oh, yes, Rexie! Let's do that! My inheritance will come through then and we can go to Vegas, just like we planned."

Tiptoeing down the hallway, Mavis smiled to herself grimly. Of course. Tiffany's inheritance from Lynnette. Rex probably couldn't wait to get his grease-stained hands on that money. Well, that wasn't going to happen. Lynnette had been a Schuyler and her money shouldn't go to a little punk like Rex. Mavis was going to make sure that never happened.

Schuyler Square Day 131 Tyler Schuyler

Truthfully, Mindy Cooper made Tyler a little nervous. Make that very nervous. She was so...pushy. So know it all. So very much like his own mother. But Mindy wanted to marry him and if he didn't come up with a good reason not to marry her, he knew that she wasn't going to give up easily.

Sitting in his room back at Schuyler Manor, Tyler pulled out a piece of paper, drew a vertical line down the middle of it and neatly wrote across the top REASONS WHY I SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T MARRY MINDY. His father had taught him to always figure out the pros and cons of any business deal and Tyler couldn't seem to escape the feeling that marrying Mindy would be more or less the biggest business deal of his life.

He stared at the paper for a long time before finally writing on the "should" side: "Mindy is very pretty."

She was pretty. She was smart, too. And ambitious. Way more ambitious than he was but that wasn't too surprising. Just about everyone Tyler met was more ambitious than he was. When one is born into a wealthy family, one seldom harbored much ambition beyond getting a fantastic tan on one's next vacation to the Virgin Islands.

Stymied to come up with more reasons why he should marry Mindy, Tyler moved to the "shouldn't" side" "I'm too young. I might meet someone better. Mindy picks her teeth when she thinks no one is looking. My mother hates Mindy. Mindy  hates my mother. Suppose she wants to raise any children we might have as Democrats?"

Disgusted with himself, Tyler wadded up the paper and threw it away. He probably should marry Mindy just to prove to himself and everyone else in the world that he wasn't a wimp who was incapable of doing anything other than sit around and write stupid lists to himself.

But what would Mom say?

Tyler didn't want to go there. His mother would have a fit if he married Mindy Cooper. Not that Mom had been the best role model in the world, but Tyler knew for a fact that Mavis Schuyler lived by the maxim: Do what I say, not what I do. She might even disinherit him.

His stomach turned at the thought. If Mom disinherited him, what would he do for money? Would he have to work? At a job? No way! Graduate school was hard enough. Tyler couldn't imagine having to be some place for 40 hours a week and being expected to produce something.

"Tyler?" Mavis opened his bedroom door without knocking. His mother didn't believe in knocking. "What are you doing?"

"Homework," Tyler replied.

"Well, finish up and come downstairs. I'm having someone over for drinks and I'd like you to meet him."

"Why?" Tyler asked suspiciously. His mother had just gotten rid of that cop. Surely she hadn't found some other creep to bring home.

"Because I want you to," Mavis replied somewhat mysteriously. "Now hurry. He'll be here in a few minutes."

Tyler rolled his eyes. His mother was too old to keep on picking men up and he was too old to keep on meeting them. Maybe he should marry Mindy. It would be one way to get out of his mother's house. "Who is it?" he asked before his mother left.

"His name is Vlad. I think he might be Tiffany's real father."