Quite Fantastic

"Where is everybody?" Brad Schuyler asked his brother Tyler. "Where's Claudine? Where's Mom? Where's Tiffany?"

Tyler looked up guiltily from the book he was reading. "How should I know?" he asked. "I've been up here reading all afternoon."

Brad looked at him quizzically. "Since when did you learn how to read upside down?" He reached for the book Tyler was holding and turned it right side up. "And since when were you interested in reading The Love Machine?"

Oh, crap. Tyler had grabbed the book off his mother's nightstand without looking at the title. "I like to read a lot of different things," he said defensively. "And I don't know where anyone is."

Brad sat down in the armchair next to Tyler's bed. "That's strange. I wonder if Tiffany had a doctor's appointment."

"Yeah, come to think of it she did. Mom took her."

"That poor dopey kid," Brad remarked. "Why would she ever try anything as stupid as a spray that's supposed to make you thin?"

"Well, it worked," Tyler pointed out. "She got skinny."

"She also got really sick. I just hope she doesn't have any long lasting aftereffects."

"Yeah, me too," Brad mumbled while thinking go away go away go away. He was sure that if Brad stayed one minute longer he'd know what had happened between Claudine and Tyler. Not that anything happened, Tyler quickly reminded himself. Claudine had kissed him but he hadn't kissed her back. He hadn't betrayed anyone.

"Are you going out with Mindy tonight?"

"Who?"

"Your girlfriend. Mindy Cooper."

"Uh, no. She's getting married."

"What?"

"She's marrying her boss. That creepy dude with the big 80s hair."

Brad frowned. "You don't seem too upset, Tyler. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine and of course I'm upset but it's better that I found out what kind of woman Mindy is before we got married, right? Wouldn't you want to know if Claudine was interested in somebody besides you?"

"Well, sure but that's not going to happen. Claudine told me that I'm the only man in the world for her."

Tyler felt a flash of sympathy for his brother. He was used to being the clueless member of the Schuyler family but it looked like for once Brad was the one who didn't know what was going on right under his nose. "That's good, I guess. Still, maybe you'd better--"

"Maybe he'd better what?" Claudine asked from the doorway. Tyler gulped. Claudine had changed into a slinky purple nightgown that showed off her figure nicely. He hadn't realized this his brother's weird girlfriend was so...busty. "What are you two boys talking about?" Claudine slithered into the bedroom and perched on Brad's knee. "Are you talking about me?" She looked at Tyler with blazing eyes.

"Yeah, we were. I was just saying how great you are," Brad told her.

"Thank you," Claudine replied, her eyes still pinned on Tyler. "I don't mean to correct you, Brad, but I've been told that I'm better than great. I'm actually quite fantastic."

Tyler suddenly felt like he might throw up.

Mindy Moves On and Claudine Moves In

"I don't understand what you're saying to me." Tyler Schuyler stared intently into his girlfriend Mindy's face. "What do you mean that you're going to marry someone else?"

"I mean that I'm going to marry someone else," Mindy said a touch impatiently. "I don't know how I can get any plainer than that, Tyler."

"Who are you going to marry?"

"Ummmm...my boss. Bernard Morton."

"I knew it! I knew you were fooling around with him! You've been crazy about him ever since you started working at Kutrate Kemicals--I could tell by the way you talked about him all the time and the way you looked at him whenever you were around him!"

"Then I guess this isn't such a big surprise for you then, Tyler. Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you--"

"Well, you have hurt me. I quit going to college to help you out with your stupid investigative reporting. I got a job at Kutrate Kemicals and risked my life trying to snoop for you. I did all the leg work on Fat Off for you--"

"Tyler, please. Let's not exaggerate. You did those things because you wanted to. I never forced you."

"I did them because I loved you and I wanted to help you."

"I know that and I'm sorry."

"Excuse me." Claudine came into the living room and Mindy looked at her gratefully. She wasn't too crazy about Tyler's brother's girlfriend but at that moment she would have welcomed an interruption from the Sasquatch. "I didn't know anyone was in here. I'll leave the two of you alone."

"No! That's all right. I was just leaving, Claudine." Feeling extremely chicken hearted, Mindy seized the moment to escape and leaped to her feet. "Tyler, I am sorry. I know that you won't want to come to the wedding so I won't insult you further by inviting you." Dropping a kiss on Tyler's cheek, Mindy ran from the living room. Seconds later the sound of the front door slamming filled the air.

Claudine looked at Tyler. "Well. That's that. If you don't mind me saying so, you're better off without her. She has very sneaky eyes."

"She has beautiful eyes!" Tyler protested.

"Beautiful lying eyes," Claudine corrected. "I heard her say that she's marrying her boss."

"You were eavesdropping?"

Claudine shrugged. "It's hard not to hear things in a house like this one. The acoustics are perfect. Listen, Tyler, you're far too good for someone like Mindy. You have an innocent heart and a good mind. You can do much better." Claudine sat down next to Tyler and put a light hand on his knee. "As a matter of fact, I think that you have a great deal of potential. Probably more than anyone else living under this ridiculously expensive roof."

Tyler gulped. "Where's Brad?"

Claudine leaned forward and kissed him. "Visiting Tiffany with your mother. It's just the two of us, Tyler. Can you handle that?"

Tyler gulped again. Truthfully, he pretty much doubted that he could handle Claudine or any other woman at that moment. With a swift leap into the air, he bolted from the living room and left Claudine alone.

Schuyler Square Day 130 Mindy and Tyler

"What would you think about getting engaged?"

Tyler Schuyler spit out the ice cream he was eating. "What?"

Minday looked at her boyfriend of almost two months coolly. "Don't act like I just asked what you thought about getting West Nile disease. I'm talking about getting married."

"To who?"

"To me, silly." Tyler might be cute but he sure was on the dumb side. That was OK with Mindy. She liked being the smart one in a couple. It made for a lot less headaches. Tyler could be Pinky and she'd be The Brain. "Why not? We get along, we have fun together, we're both quite attractive--I bet any kids we produced would be stunning."

"You're asking me to marry you? I thought guys were supposed to ask girls."

"Tyler, that thinking is positively antiquated. Why should I wait for you to ask me?" Mindy didn't add that she knew that if she did wait, she'd be old and grey before Tyler got around to popping the question. She didn't want to be old and grey before she got married; she wanted to be young enough to enjoy shopping and taking fabulous vacations. "So, what do you think?"

Tyler slowly finished the enormous sundae that he'd ordered. "Well," he finally said, "I don't think it's a totally bad idea."

"Gee, thanks."

"Don't get mad. It's just that we don't know each other all that well. Marriage is a big step."

Tyler obviously had never heard of divorces. "I know it's a big step," Mindy said patiently. "That's why people get engaged first, to see if they're ready to get married. We could get engaged, have a sumptuous engagement party at your house, maybe even move in together and see what happenes next."

She watched as Tyler processed the idea. It was like watching a cow chew its cud. "I guess we could do that," Tyler said after several long minutes of deliberation. "Would I have to get you a ring or something?"

"A ring would be nice." Mindy would pick it out, however. She didn't trust Tyler to choose anything big enough.

"Would we have to tell anyone that we're engaged?"

"Why? Are you ashamed of me?"

"No, but you know how my mother is."

Oh, yes. Mindy knew exactly how Mavis Schuyler was, which was another reason why she wanted to be engaged to Tyler even if it was only for a week or two. It would make Mavis nuts and that was reason enough for Mindy. "Your mother and I will become the best of friends," she predicted, smiling sweetly at her almost-fiance. "I bet we'll find that we have a lot in common. Come on, Tyler, what do you say? Will you marry me?"

"I guess so," Tyler answered.

Mindy picked up her spoon and began eating her own sundae. Tyler's response wasn't what she'd call enthusiastic but that was all right. He'd said yes.