Who Wouldn't Want to be Happy at Work?

Bernard Morton sat behind his desk and stared out at the bleak landscape that made up Kutrate Kemicals. Business was good, profits were up and no one in the entire town of Schuyler Square had a clue as to what the company was really up to so why wasn't he happier?

It was a question Bernard had asked himself many times over the course of his life. He was handsome, smart and fairly well off. Women threw themselves at him, he had a job he enjoyed and a new car every two years. Bernard took vacations in exotic spots at least once a year and he was in excellent health.

So why wasn't he happy?

It had something to do with the vague idea that always seemed to be at the back of his head that there had to be more to life than what he was getting out of it. Other people seemed happy. Other people had wives and families and relationships that gave them a lot of pleasure. What was wrong with Bernard that he couldn't find a woman who would make him happy too?

"Mr.Morton?" Looking up, Bernard saw his new administrative assistant standing in the doorway. Mindy Cooper. She was nice looking, he realized, with long dark hair and sharp eyes. "Yes, Mindy? And call me Bernard, remember?"

"All right, Bernard," Mindy said agreeably. "Do you have a moment?"

"Sure." Bernard swung his chair around so that he was facing Mindy. "Have a seat."

"I've been going over some of Kutrate Kemical's promotional materials and I have some suggestions for you."

"You've been working here for about an hour," Bernard observed. "How could you possibly have any suggestions?"

"I'm a fast learner." Mindy sat down in the chair across from Bernard's desk and looked at him expectantly. "Would you like to hear my ideas?"

"Why not?" Bernard couldn't help being amused. Most of his administrative assistants were scared to death of him and it showed. That obviously wasn't the case with Mindy Cooper.

"Well, for starters you really need to change the name of this company. Kutrate Kemicals is simply stupid."

Bernard narrowed his blue eyes at her. "Stupid? My father thought that name up. He wanted to appeal to the masses."

"How? By insulting their intelligence? Besides, the 'masses' aren't buying your products. From what I've read, you sell mainly to production companies. I think you need to change your name to something a lot more solid and classy sounding."

"Such as?"

"How about Morton Chemicals," Mindy suggested. "It's your company. Why not name it after you? And that's another thing--I've noticed that you don't appear in any of your advertisements. If you don't mind my saying so you're a very handsome man. You could be your company's greatest asset. You could be Warren Beatty's twin brother."

Bernard felt his cheeks bronze. "I hardly think so, Mindy."

"Don't sell yourself short. You could be the Ted Turner of the chemical world. Why not?"

"Mindy, I'm afraid you have no idea of what you're talking about."

Mindy ignored him. "Also, this building is really a rat trap. Why don't you build yourself something attractive that you can be proud of? Something out of glass and steel that looks like a chemical company should look instead of a rundown dump in the middle of nowhere. I'm sure it would improve morale around here by about a thousand percent."

"Your quite the idea girl, aren't you?" Bernard asked dryly. "I can't wait to hear what you come up with when you've been here for awhile, like a week or two.

"I've always been interested in public relations," Mindy said. "I know I'm new here--"

"Brand new."

"Brand new but I'd like to be as helpful as I possibly can." Mindy smiled at her new boss and much to his surprise, he found himself smiling back.

"I'll consider your ideas," he agreed. "Maybe we could discuss them over dinner?"

Mindy's smile grew even wider. "I thought you'd never ask," she replied.

Like Bette Davis said, "What a Dump!"

What a dump! The voice in her head doing a dead-on impersonation of Bette Davis--or maybe Elizabeth Taylor being Bette Davis in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf", Mindy looked around her new office digs with dismay. And she thought the newspaper building was bad! It looked positively stately compared to where she would be spending eight hours a day at Kutrate Kemicals.

Mindy sat down at a desk that was slightly smaller than the Queen Mary and banged a knee against its metal side. "Ouch!"

"Problems, Ms. Cooper?" Her boss, Bernard Morton, came into her office and looked at her through his horn rimmed glasses. He looked even more like Warren Beatty than he had the first time Mindy met him.

"No, I just hit my knee on the desk."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I know the furniture here is somewhat antiquated but we prefer to put all of our money into research and production instead of non-essentials such as office furniture."

And paychecks, Mindy thought. Out loud she said, "I see."

"You'll get used to it. After all, furniture is merely for function, not form, right?"

"Well, not always," Mindy replied but then stopped. She had the feeling that pointing out the fact that if employees were more comfortable at work, they might like their jobs better seemed like a waste of time. Although she didn't now Bernard Morton very well, she had the feeling that the only thing he cared about was making money, not spending it. Besides, it was her first day and she was supposed to be a dutiful employee, not a smart mouth. "So, what would you like me to do first?"

Bernard scratched his cheek absentmindedly. "I have a meeting at ten today. It's in my office and I'm expecting five people. Please make sure there's fresh coffee."

"Would you like me to attend the meeting too?" Mindy asked hopefully.

"No. Stay out here and answer the phone. That's your main duty, to answer the phone."

"Anything else?"

"Just get used to being here, Ms. Cooper. I hope this all works out so I'm going to do my best to be accommodating. I can't tell you how many administrative assistants I've run through over the past year."

"You can call me Mindy," Mindy told him. She actually felt a little sorry for Bernard. He seemed so befuddled, like he didn't know how he got to be the president of his own company.

"Mindy. Welcome aboard, Mindy. Any questions?'

"I have a million questions," Mindy replied. "I don't know anything about Kutrate Kemicals. I don't even know what you make."

"Air fresheners," Bernard said. "We're the Midwest's biggest producer of air fresheners."

"Seriously?" How could she not know that? "How many people work here?"

"Oh, I'd say around a hundred."

"That's it?" A hundred didn't seem like many employees for the Midwest's biggest producer of air fresheners.

"We're small but we work hard." Bernard nodded politely and left Mindy alone. She began to look through her desk, hoping she'd find some kind of clue that would tell her what they really did at Kutrate Kemicals because she wasn't buying that air fresheners story. There had to be something else going on that Bernard Morton was hiding from the rest of the world. Something that smelled like apple pie mixed with a scent that was a lot more sinister.

Job Interviews Can Be Very Challenging But It Helps When Your New Boss Looks Like Warren Beatty

“Now let me get this straight: you have no experience working in either a factory or a chemical plant, you have a degree in journalism, not chemistry and you hope to make at least $20 an hour. Did I get all that right?”

Mindy Cooper stared at the woman from Kutrate Kemical's HR department. She could tell the woman was struggling to keep a straight face as she went over Mindy’s application but Mindy didn’t mind. She’d cracked harder nuts than this gal. “Yes,” she said sweetly, “you got everything right. Do you have any openings?”

“Not for anyone with a degree in journalism,” the HR drone assured her with a giggle. “Why on earth would you bother to apply here? And why would you think we’d pay you 20 bucks an hour to do anything?”

Mindy raised an eyebrow. “I’m interested in expanding my knowledge base,” she said. “I’m quite bright and I’m sure I could learn any job you have open.”

“But why would you want to work here when you don’t have any kind of science background?”

“It’s not too late to learn, is it?” Mindy’s Suspicious Meter was cranking into overdrive. Clearly the people at Kutrate Kemicals didn’t want to hire anyone with an IQ above 50. What were they hiding? What was behind that super sweet apple pie smell that was currently filling the HR office?

“It’s never too late to learn but that’s what colleges are for. We only hire people who already know about chemistry.”

“You don’t have any openings?” Mindy asked. “I’m willing to take just about any job you have.”

“Well…there is an opening in the office. How are you at clerical work?”

“Fantastic,” Mindy assured her.

“And how are you with working for…challenging personalities?”

“Are you kidding me? I’ve worked with some of the most challenging personalities possible. I can get along with anyone.”

“We’ll have to see about that. It pays $7 an hour,” the woman warned.

Seven bucks an hour! That was worse than the newspaper. Mindy swallowed. She’d still be getting her salary from the Schuyler Square Times so the $7 was going to be sort of like icing on the cake, only she was obviously going to have to work her butt off to get it. “I’ll take it,” she said. “That is, if you’re offering it to me.”

“You’ll have to meet with the big boss first but I don’t see any reason why he won’t give it to you. He’s getting pretty desperate for a warm body to fill that spot.”

“How flattering,” Mindy murmured. “When can I meet him?”

“Turn around and say hello,” the HR woman said. “Mr. Morton, this is Mindy Cooper. She’d like to be your new secretary.”

Mindy turned around and pasted a wide smile to her face but the smile froze almost instantly. Mr. Morton, her potential new boss, was a dead ringer for Warren Beatty.

Well, well, well! This might turn out to be a fun assignment after all.