How to Land a Perfectly Horrible Job

"Mr. Morton, this is Mindy Cooper. She'd applying for the job as your administrative assistant."

Mindy squirmed uncomfortably under the steely gaze her potential boss gave her. She felt like his eyes had become lasers with her body being the target as he looked her up and down and up again, lingering for a few moments longer than she deemed necessary in certain spots. "How do you do, Mr. Morton?"

"What did you say your name is?" His voice was deep and sexy and matched his looks perfectly. Even if Mr. Morton had the most challenging personality in all of Schuyler Square, just being able to gaze at him every day was going to be a treat.

"Mindy Cooper." Mindy began to sweat. Suppose Mr. Morton was an avid reader of the local newspaper and recognized her name? She was fairly well known in town. She should have used a fake name.

"Mindy Cooper. Mindy Cooper. Why does that sound familiar to me?"

Mindy shrugged helplessly as Mr. Morton continued to peer at her intently. "Do you work at the Dairy Queen on the old highway?"

"Certainly not!" Mindy said.

It was Mr. Morton's turn to shrug. "You look just like the gal who always sells me my Dilly Bar. I'm very fond of Dilly Bars." He turned to the HR woman. "When can she start?"

"Tomorrow!" Mindy told him. What kind of place was this? Didn't they want to check her references or do a background check or anything like that? Why anyone at all could walk in off the street and start to work at Kutrate Kemicals. Mindy experienced a stab of disappointment. Maybe the chemical company didn't have anything to hide if it would hire any Tom, Dick or Dilly Bar peddler off the street. Oh, well. Even if I don't get a story out of working here I can earn a little extra cash for Christmas.

"Good. You're hired." Mr. Morton stepped forward and extended his hand. "Welcome aboard, Mindy. You can call me Bernard. Unless I'm mad at you. Then you have to call me Mr. Morton."

Laughing a little uneasily, Mindy shook his hand and looked over at the HR woman to see if she was laughing too. She wasn't. "How will I know if you're mad at me?" she asked.

"Easy," Bernard Morton replied, his handsome face smiling, "I'll call you Ms.Cooper when I'm ticked with you."

"Ummm, wouldn't it be easier just to tell me what I did wrong?"

"Oh, don't worry. I'll do that too. Come on, I'll show you where you're going to work. I expect you to be here at 7:30 sharp tomorrow morning. Have my coffee ready. Black with three sugars. Make sure the temperature in the office is exactly 68 degrees and I don't like any dust on my desk so be sure to wipe it off the moment you get your coat off..."

Getting to her feet and following Bernard out of the HR office while listening to his long list of instructions, Mindy realized that there was going to be another perk working at Kutrate Kemicals: it was going to make going back to the newspaper look awfully good.

Job Interviews Can Be Very Challenging But It Helps When Your New Boss Looks Like Warren Beatty

“Now let me get this straight: you have no experience working in either a factory or a chemical plant, you have a degree in journalism, not chemistry and you hope to make at least $20 an hour. Did I get all that right?”

Mindy Cooper stared at the woman from Kutrate Kemical's HR department. She could tell the woman was struggling to keep a straight face as she went over Mindy’s application but Mindy didn’t mind. She’d cracked harder nuts than this gal. “Yes,” she said sweetly, “you got everything right. Do you have any openings?”

“Not for anyone with a degree in journalism,” the HR drone assured her with a giggle. “Why on earth would you bother to apply here? And why would you think we’d pay you 20 bucks an hour to do anything?”

Mindy raised an eyebrow. “I’m interested in expanding my knowledge base,” she said. “I’m quite bright and I’m sure I could learn any job you have open.”

“But why would you want to work here when you don’t have any kind of science background?”

“It’s not too late to learn, is it?” Mindy’s Suspicious Meter was cranking into overdrive. Clearly the people at Kutrate Kemicals didn’t want to hire anyone with an IQ above 50. What were they hiding? What was behind that super sweet apple pie smell that was currently filling the HR office?

“It’s never too late to learn but that’s what colleges are for. We only hire people who already know about chemistry.”

“You don’t have any openings?” Mindy asked. “I’m willing to take just about any job you have.”

“Well…there is an opening in the office. How are you at clerical work?”

“Fantastic,” Mindy assured her.

“And how are you with working for…challenging personalities?”

“Are you kidding me? I’ve worked with some of the most challenging personalities possible. I can get along with anyone.”

“We’ll have to see about that. It pays $7 an hour,” the woman warned.

Seven bucks an hour! That was worse than the newspaper. Mindy swallowed. She’d still be getting her salary from the Schuyler Square Times so the $7 was going to be sort of like icing on the cake, only she was obviously going to have to work her butt off to get it. “I’ll take it,” she said. “That is, if you’re offering it to me.”

“You’ll have to meet with the big boss first but I don’t see any reason why he won’t give it to you. He’s getting pretty desperate for a warm body to fill that spot.”

“How flattering,” Mindy murmured. “When can I meet him?”

“Turn around and say hello,” the HR woman said. “Mr. Morton, this is Mindy Cooper. She’d like to be your new secretary.”

Mindy turned around and pasted a wide smile to her face but the smile froze almost instantly. Mr. Morton, her potential new boss, was a dead ringer for Warren Beatty.

Well, well, well! This might turn out to be a fun assignment after all.