My Mother the Groupie

"So you want to marry my daughter?"

Bernard Morton looked at the woman sitting on his 12-foot raw silk beige sectional and tried to imagine if she was how Mindy would look in 25 years. He certainly hoped not. His future mother-in-law, Betsy Cooper, wore her hair long and loose, obviously eschewed makeup and reminded him a little bit of Cher or Katharine Ross but not at all how they looked in their prime. Well, what did it matter? If Mindy aged poorly he'd just divorce her and get a younger model. "Yes, Betsy," he replied, "I do want to marry your daughter."

"Why? She's nice looking and has a good figure but she's not too bright." Betsy tapped her forehead. "She majored in mass communication, for Pete's sake. There's no money in that!"

"Really?" Bernard turned to gaze at Mindy who was perched on the far end of the section from her mother and reminded him of a bird that was about to take flight. "I never knew you majored in mass communication."

"You never asked," Mindy responded.

"I didn't even know you went to college."

"Oh, yes. Mindy went to college and so did her sister Sandi but Sandi was the smart one. Sandi got a degree in philosophy and then she went on to get her master's and PhD. Sandi is set for life. She's a tenured professor at a community college that had the number one cross country team in schools under 5000 students three years ago." Betsy sniffed the air. "Do I smell cat? Do you have a cat? I can't abide cats! They shed and walk on counters--"

"He doesn't have a cat, Mom," Mindy assured her.

Betsy looked around the room suspiciously. "Well, I smell something peculiar."

"Sandi has the personality of a toad," Mindy remarked to no one in particular.

"I'm looking forward to meeting your other daughter," Bernard said politely.

"You can meet her at the wedding provided you invite us and provided that I can fit it into my schedule."

"Your schedule?"

"Yes." Betsy pulled a calendar out of her large purse and Mindy suddenly leaned forward.

"Mom, I thought you gave all that nonsense up years ago!"

"Since when is it nonsense to follow your dream?" Betsy demanded. "Oh, yes, let's see. The next few months are busy for me but I should have a free weekend in the fall. Can you put off the wedding until then?"

"What is it that you do on all these weekends?"

"She's a groupie," Mindy explained.

"I beg your pardon?"

"She follow teen idols from her youth around the country," Mindy explained, looking pained. "Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits, David Cassidy, Donny Osmond. Mom, haven't you given that up? David Cassidy is never going to ask you to marry him!"

"You never know," Betsy said smugly. "I look pretty good for my age."

"I'm sure he's already married."

"You've never heard of divorce? Besides, I'm not only interested in David Cassidy. Mickey Dolenz is looking very good too these days. You know, I've saved every single issue of Tiger Beat that I ever bought."

"Along with everything else you ever bought," Mindy retorted.

Bernard shifted uncomfortably. Maybe he'd proposed to Mindy too quickly. Surely there had to be other women in Schuyler Square who didn't come with so much emotional baggage...and a loony mother to boot. It might also be a good idea if he learned a little more about Mindy's background. He couldn't imagine what kind of mind would want to go into journalism. "Let's go eat," he suggested. "Mindy and I aren't in any rush to set a wedding date, are we?"

Mindy turned and glared at him. "Maybe you aren't, Bernard, but I'm ready right now."