Lifestyles of the Filthy Rich and Not So Famous

“Brad, darling, it’s truly wonderful to have you back home again,” Mavis Schuyler told her eldest son. “But you’ve been back for a few weeks and you haven’t really done anything yet.”

Brad looked up from the newspaper he was reading and sighed. “I already told you that I’m not interested in working for the family business, Mom. I know that you think it’s my duty and all that but it’s not for me. Let Tyler work there.”

“You know Tyler didn’t get the brains in our family. I can hardly see him running a multi-million dollar empire like Schuyler Industries. No, you’re the one who is destined to take your father’s place. You’re the only your father groomed to be the next leader of our family. I don’t see why you’re being such a complete stinker about it.”

“I have my reasons.”

“Would you care to share them with your mother?”

“Not really.”

Mavis lowered her voice. “Would it sweeten the deal if I told you that Schuyler Industries is about to produce a product that is going to make us even more disgustingly rich?”

“What deal?”

“I’ll tell you if you promise that you’ll come back to work for me.”

“You know, I have my reasons for not wanting to work anymore.”

“Well, I’d like to know what they are! Brad, you’re a young man, not even thirty yet. Do you really think it’s seemly for someone so young and so talented to simply stop working? What’s the matter with you? Are you sick?” Mavis clapped a hand to her chest. “You aren’t dying, are you? You don’t have some terrible disease that’s killing you, do you?”

“No, Mother,” Brad said patiently, “I’m not dying. Not physically. It’s just that I’ve decided to drop out of society. Permanently. My year away from Schuyler Square showed me that there’s more to life than the mindless pursuit of money. I refuse to participate in our capitalist society any longer. I’m never going to work again.”

“Oh, Brad, what a load of crap! Do you honestly think you could decide to drop out of society if you weren’t the product of the capitalist society that you think is so disgusting? Just look around you! The Schuyler family has been making money off the masses for over a century! And look at what you’re wearing—a cashmere sweater, tailored blue jeans, handmade shoes—how do you think we paid for those clothes, with food stamps?”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand,” Brad said wearily.

Mavis narrowed her eyes. “There’s a woman behind this new, stupid radical thinking of yours, isn’t there? Some little tramp who doesn’t shave her legs and who is trapped in some ridiculous 1960s mindset against the establishment! I’m right, aren’t I? I can see it in your eyes!”

Brad nodded. “Her name is Claudine and I’m in love with her but don’t worry because I’m never going to see her again.”

“Why not?”

“Because she says I’m tainted by filthy lucre, that’s why. She loves me but she can never marry me because I’m too rich. When she told me that, I decided not to bother living anymore. From now on I’m going to just exist.”

“Baloney,” Mavis barked. “I’ve never met a woman who wouldn’t marry someone because they’re too rich! She must have a few screws loose.”

“Claudine is the sanest, most beautiful woman in the universe.”

“Then perhaps you’d better invite her for a visit. Maybe if she sees how the vulgar rich live she’ll hop on our bandwagon.”

“Invite Claudine to Schuyler Square?” Brad sounded horrified.

“Yes, my darling son, because if you don’t, I will. I want you to see what a mistake you’re making and if you refuse to help yourself then I’m going to have to. Give me her number.

“I’ll call her,” Brad quickly said. “You’d scare her to death.”

Good. Mavis thought. Scaring the little twit to death sounds like a great idea.