The Best Diet Ever

"It's not possible. That's all there is to it. It's simply not possible. I should know--I've been living on carrot sticks and yogurt since I was eleven years old and I know that one must suffer and subsist on less than 900 calories a day if one wants to be thin!" Mavis Schuyler blinked at Bernard Morton over her glass of sparkling water.

Laughing, Bernard shook his head. "It sounds impossible but I would venture to say that so did cell phones and microwaves before they were invented."

"But an air spray that makes one lose weight? How?"

"I'll try to explain it to you in layman's terms, Mavis. Basically the spray breaks down fat cells through a process of molecular dissolution that makes the fat turn into perspiration. You sweat a lot at first but you get skinny pretty darn fast."

"It sounds rather disgusting...but also quite intriguing." Mavis looked around the restaurant at the Schuyler Square Country Club and lowered her voice. "I think I need to invest in your new product, Bernard."

"Not a bad idea. You should make a nice return on your investment."

"Are you kidding me? I should make a killing! This will make dieting a thing of the past! It will be the best diet ever! What are you going to call it?"

"We haven't decided yet. Fritz--the chemist--suggested 'Fat Off.'"

Mavis wrinkled her pert nose. "I think you need to tell Fritz to stick to chemistry. That's a terrible name. You need something sophisticated yet direct. Something that will tell consumers exactly what the product will do for them."

"Doesn't Fat Off do that?"

"You're such a man, Bernard. All male. Don't you have a research and development department for new products?"

"Too expensive. Fritz doubles as our PR guy. He's not bad."

"Yes," Mavis corrected, "he is. He's very bad. I'll try to come up with a name for you in exchange for a thousand extra shares of stock."

"It'd better be a good name," Bernard said.

"It will be perfect. Of course, it would help if I could see the product before I thought up a name. You know--got to know it, so to speak." Mavis spotted her son Tyler enter the dining room. Waving to Tyler, Mavis couldn't quite catch his eyes. "How odd. That's my son Tyler. He doesn't seem to see me."

Bernard looked across the room. "That's your son? Why does he look familiar?"

"You've probably seen his picture in the newspaper. Tyler's always been quite active socially."

"No, that's not it. I've seen him some place else..." Bernard's voice trailed off. "Oh, well. It doesn't matter. Now about your investment. How much were you thinking of putting up?"

Mavis calculated how much she could spare. Whatever she invested, she knew that Kutrate Kemical's new product was going to be a winner. Every woman in the world was going to want to buy a can of Fat Off. Mavis cringed. What a hideous name. She was going to have to think long and hard to come up with something better. "Half a million?"

"You won't be sorry," Bernard assured her.

"I know I won't." Mavis glanced across the room but Tyler had disappeared. He'd been doing that a lot lately, vanishing into thin air and had generally become very mysterious. "Now tell me more about your product. I don't need to lose any weight but I know plenty of people who do. How did you ever discover it?"

Mavis sat back and listened as Bernard explained the history behind Fat Off, her mind wandering as he went into some especially dull details. If it's true that this new product works, I can stop drinking sparkling water and start drinking scotch, Mavis thought. I can ditch my diet meals and eat real food again. Fat loss in a can. Who would have ever thunk it? Mavis had a sudden question. "Bernard," she asked, interrupting his monologue, "is Fat Off safe?"

It was Bernard's turn to blink. "We're working on that one."