Like a Monkey with Fleas

In Schuyler Square, Mavis Schuyler is having trouble coming grips to the fact that her children are grown and that her maternal input is no longer needed or appreciated. Desperate to help her sons see that Mother truly knows best, Mavis is drawing on all of her resources as well as her extremely limited amount of charm to help them see the light.

"Rex, what have I been paying you to do?" Mavis glared at her niece Tiffany's nogoodnick boyfriend.

Rex scratched his cheek thoughtfully. "Um, as far as I can remember you haven't paid me jack yet, Mavis. Maybe if you could be a little more, ah, forthcoming with some dough then I could start kicking our little plan into action. It's been so long that I can't quite remember the number amount that we agreed upon so let's just say 10 k, all right?"

Mavis changed the glare on her face to something much closer to a sneer. "Are you insane? I wouldn't give you ten thousand dollars to become the next man to fly to the moon! I will give you one thousand dollars today. You will turn your questionable allure on that awful woman who is engaged to Brad. You will seduce her and let Brad know about the tawdry affair that you're going to embark upon with Claudine. Then and only then I will give you two thousand more dollars."

"Three grand total? Why so cheap, Mavis?"

Mavis spoke through her newly whitened teeth. "I'm sure that three thousand dollars is an ample amount for you to enhance your current lifestyle."

"Well, sure it is. Especially since you haven't been giving Tiffany her full allowance. But I still think you could be a little more generous. After all, once I seduce Claudine, your precious baby boy will be free to date someone more appropriate. Who do you have in mind?"

"That's absolutely none of your business."

"Don't get all huffy. I'm just curious. You know, Mavis, your life would be a lot simpler if you'd just cut the apron strings between you and your boys. What is Brad now anyway--25? 26?"

"Again, that's none of your business. All that you need to concern yourself with is maneuvering Claudine to your apartment and to your bed as soon as possible. Might I suggest that you change your sheets first?"

Rex looked at her thoughtfully. "What am I supposed to do with Tiffany while this seduction takes place? We are living together, you know."

"Might I suggest that you send her to the grocery store? Or out for a pedicure? Or to Burger King for your dinner?"

"Yeah, that might work." Rex began to scratch his head.

"Must you do that?" Mavis asked.

"What?"

"Scratch all the time. You're like a monkey with fleas."

"Sorry if I'm offending you, Mavis, but I itch so I scratch. I'm thinking I might have head lice again. My head feels just like it did the last time I had lice."

"Get out!" Mavis screeched. "Get out of my house!"

Rex rose to his feet. "Calm down, would you? Geez, it's just a little head lice. No big deal. Hey--why don't I see if I can give it to Claudine? That would be pretty good proof of our little get together, wouldn't it?"

"I'm asking you to break Claudine and Brad up," Mavis snapped, "not infest her and ultimately my son and my house with head lice." Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a fifty dollar bill and threw it at Rex. "Go get something to take care of that problem and then seduce Claudine. Now get out of here immediately!"

"I'm going, I'm going." Accepting the money, Rex tucked it into his back pocket and then reached up to scratch his head again. "Really, Mavis, you need to get a grip. If you're going to get so bent out of shape over a little head lice, what are you going to do if I can't break up Baby Pants Brad and the Big, Bad Claudine? How are you going to handle that?"

Mavis led the way to the back door and opened it. "You'll succeed and I won't have to worry about it," she told him. "Now go take care of that lice!"

Winking at Mavis, Rex ambled out the kitchen door, scratching his head as he walked toward his truck. Mavis stared after him in disgust. Surely there had to be an easier way to get Brad to see that Claudine was not Schuyler wife material. Slamming the door shut, Mavis silently fumed for a good thirty seconds. Now she'd have to fumigate the den where Rex had been sitting. It would probably be smart to fumigate the entire house. "Carrie!" she shouted at the top of her lungs.

Her hapless maid appeared a moment later. "Yes, Mrs. Schuyler?"

"Get out the steamer and clean the den. Clean the whole house with it. I'm going to the club." Yes, the club where she'd have a Bloody Mary and start looking for a woman who would be a much better match for her son Brad.