Guacamole, Anyone?

"I will say this about your mother," Claudine told Brad as they sat in Tom Hartman's living room. "She does know how to handle herself in public."

Brad glanced over to where his mother was sitting, a glass of red wine in front of her and a polite expression on her perfectly made up face. "It's in private that the real Mavis comes out," he agreed. "I wouldn't give her too much credit yet. The evening is young."

"Who are all these people?" Claudine whispered as she looked around the crowded room.

"Let's see. The tall man at the bar is Tom Hartman. He used to be married to my aunt but they got divorced a long time ago. Last year he found out that Lynette had a baby that she never told him about--the blonde teenager over by my mom. The man sitting next to her is her real father, Vlad Something or Other. I can never remember his last name. Aunt Lynette had a fling with Vlad and produced cousin Tiffany. Next to Vlad is Tiffany's fiance, Rex. I have no idea of what his last name is. You know my brother Tyler and the woman with him is his girlfriend Mindy Cooper."

"Who is the pretty brunette sitting next to Tom?"

"Veronica Chandler. The less said about her the better."

"Why?"

"Once upon a time she was my dad's mistress. They had a baby together."

"You have a half-brother? Where is he? Is he coming tonight?"

"The last I heard he moved away from Schuyler Square, probably out of pure self defense."

Claudine shook her head. "You have a large family, Brad, but I get the impression that none of you know each other very well."

"No, I'm afraid closeness was never something that was encouraged in the Schuyler family. Divide and conquer was more like it."

Tom Hartman's voice interrupted them. "If I could have your attention, I'd like to thank all of you for coming to my home tonight. I think you all know why we're here--to celebrate Tiffany's graduation from Schuyler Square High School and also to celebrate her upcoming wedding."

"Hey,don't forget about me!" Rex spoke up. "I'm the guy Tiffany is marrying!"

"I'm sure that none of us are able to forget you, Rex," Tom said dryly, "no matter how hard we try. So let's all drink to Tiffany. I'm sorry you aren't my daughter, Tiffany, but you know I'll always love you."

Tiffany looked touched. Getting to her feet, she held her loose jeans up with one hand while raising her wine glass with the other. "And I'll always think of you as my second father," she told Tom. "I guess I'm pretty lucky to have two dads." Throwing back her head, she swallowed the contents of her glass in one long gulp. "How about a refill?"

"Tiffany," Mavis said, "not only are you underage but wine is extremely caloric. If you keep knocking it back like that you won't be able to fit into your wedding dress."

Tiffany burped. "Says you," she replied. "I happen to have the best diet in the world. A few glasses of vino aren't going to make me fat again."

Brad noticed that as Tiffany spoke his mother stared at the ground and Mindy and Tyler exchanged a strange look. Those three seemed to know something about Tiffany's amazing weight loss but what that might be he couldn't guess.

"Dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes," Veronica announced.

"What are we having?" Rex asked.

"One never asks what is being served," Mavis informed her future nephew-in-law.

"Why not? Maybe I won't like it and then I can fill up on more crackers and cheese," Rex pointed out.

"We're having shrimp scampi, wild rice and spinach souffle," Veronica said.

"I think I'm having some more crackers and cheese," Rex said. "That sounds way too fancy pants for me."

"I would imagine a Whopper with extra cheese is too 'fancy pants' for you," Mavis murmured.

"You got that right," Rex agreed. "Give me a Big Mac any day. All those onions on a Whopper make me fart."

Mavis looked like she was going to faint. "I can see what you mean," Claudine whispered to Brad. "No one in your family seems to really like each other."

Brad's response was lost in a sudden uproar when his cousin Tiffany keeled over and fell face first into a large bowl of guacamole.