Long Term Side Effects

"Now Fritz, think hard," Mindy instructed. "What kind of side effects does Fat Off have other than making whoever smells it lose weight?"

"None," Fritz replied instantly. "My genius invention has no side effects other than weight loss. That is what makes it so genius."

"How can you be so sure about that? Did Kutrate Kemicals do extensive testing that proved there are no long term side effects?"

"Sure," Fritz nodded. "Bernard Morton handled all that. I don't worry about the details. I'm like Einstein. It is much better that I spend my time thinking instead of obsessing over the little things."

Man, oh man. Fritz had obviously never seen one of those commercials where the huge law firm was going after the makers of any number of pharmaceuticals for "little things" like side effects. "And what did Bernard tell you?"

"He said that Fat Off is completely safe. He had it tested for three months and there were no problems. It is perfectly fine."

Three months didn't seem like a very long time to wait for side effects to pop up. Then again, Bernard had been in the chemical business for a lot longer than Mindy had so it was possible that he knew what he was doing. Possible but not probably. Mindy was sure that when it came to ethics, her boss didn't know the meaning of the word. "What happens when a person stops using Fat Off? Will they regain all the weight they've lost?"

"That is hardly my problem," Fritz sniffed. "The whole point of Fat Off is to lose weight. Keeping it off is up to the fatty who ate too many snickerdoodles in the first place."

"Do you actually know of anyone who has used Fat Off and lost weight?"

"Not personally but there were several test subjects in that women's prison upstate. Why are you asking me all these questions, Mindy? Do you want to try some Fat Off? No offense, but your thighs are looking a touch ponderous these days."

Mindy's thighs had been called many things but ponderous had never been one of them, "Yes," she said recklessly, "I would like to try it."

Fritz pulled a plain white aerosol can out of a drawer and gave it to her. "Now remember, it smells pretty bad. The next batch we're making has a much more pleasant scent but this one will remind you of horse stalls that need to be cleaned out or possibly sewers that are overflowing but it should take care of that thigh problem you have. A few days and you'll be a whole new woman." He chuckled. "Or perhaps I should say that there will be a lot less of the current woman." He lowered his voice. "And cut down on the wine. It's obviously going straight to your lower body."

"Thanks," Mindy said, slipping the can into her purse. "I'll see you later."

Leaving Fritz's lab, Mindy decided she had two choices: she could give the new can of Fat Off to Tiffany and enable the ditzy teenager to continue down the train wreck road she was on to total oblivion or she could keep it for herself and get rid of her thighs that were obviously offending everyone who had the misfortune to look at them.

Or I could get in my car and drive as far away from Schuyler Square as I can possibly go.

That option seemed like the best one of all.